Disheartenment

I don't know what else I can do that I haven't already done. I don't know what it is that would make you mine again. 

The Reason Why - A Love Letter

The other day in a moment of self-doubt and weakness, I got to thinking why do I love you as I do? I expected a hollow answer with barely an echo. Why am I attached to you so? How is it that I cannot fathom my existence without yours? These questions bought on a quiescent passion that shot the little doubts I had down.

The letter is what followed my underestimated infatuation with you:

Dear SB-

You are one of the most accomplished, successful people that I know. That would be an excellent reason to love you yet despite that, it's not why I love you. You are a great person with an even greater personality but yet again, not the reason to my unconditional love to you.

It's a silly answer but the reason why I love you so much is that regardless of all the things that you are and all the things you've achieved, you have a concealed soft side that I absolutely love. A gooey caramel filling to a chocolate, if you will. This mushy center needs me and I need it back fervently.

I honestly don't care about all the other stuff. It doesn't matter. The insides always do, though.

I love you.

C'est l'amour.

I never quite understood how people can spare their loved ones upsetting matters for the sake of their happiness. I am a very open person with those around me yet sometimes, no matter how much I want to, I choose to keep troubling issues to myself. We all have some kind of coping mechanism that we use to deal with all the dark matter inside and around us that usually doesn't change depending on who we're with.

The main reason why I stopped sharing is because I don't like to upset those I love. Apparently, I have been deluded before in thinking that whatever affects me won't affect those nearby. Upon that realization, I became even more blue and completely shut off.

My logical self doesn't approve of asking for help in matters that nobody really has a hand in or can provide a solution. It seems irrelevant to share. I don't like people complaining because it's an unnecessary waste of time that could be spent changing whatever it is they're complaining about. And, if it cannot be changed or helped - then it be best to move on.

On a completely evolutionary level, I don't like feeling vulnerable. No matter how confident one can be, he/she can never truly feel secure about sharing the black holes in our soul, mind, or heart especially with those that mean the most to us.

After this long process of cognizance, it dawned on me that this is what love is really all about. Selfless sacrifice of your sadness for their smiles and spirit.

So please, don't let me down.*

*As I was writing this up, Don't Let Me Down by The Beatles played on my iTunes. 

What winter days waken...

Reuniting with a best friend after a long time apart is like greeting winter after a scorching summer. I know it might feel like the contrary to some but I feel the need to cool off after a hot and hazy summer, metaphorically speaking.

Every time the air gets a little bit cooler, the sky somewhat more gray, and the wind has a little bit of edge I remember the days when I was younger; I always get a memory of vague schooldays and my best friend.

Winter brings an air of deep melancholy everyone wallows through. I like to believe it's the grayness of the weather, the lack of warmth, and cuddly clothing that makes us feel so alone.

I spent the whole day sitting outside and pouring my heart out to my best friend. To say I feel better would be the epitome of an understatement. I feel better but much worse because only when you say something aloud to another person does it really ring in your head how true it is. And everything is surreal.

How things were and how things are leaves me distraught.

Rosy Pink Memories

Life is full of little moments that reminds us of something in our pasts. Whether it comes in the form of a song, picture, piece of writing, or something even more vague like a scent, a color, a place. For some reason, however odd it may be, our subconscious chooses to associate certain feelings with those little fragments of our past.

And for other reasons, albeit unknown to me, my mind chooses to remember only the positives of any one association. To the extent that every single time I reminisce, everything comes up rosy and nice. Now I know that sounds inanely delusional but I have come to see the reason behind it - or my presumed reason seeing as I really can never know (ignore the psychological babble). I have created a mechanism, one may call it defensive if they choose, however I see it as completely practical in order for one to enjoy life. Imagine every time I came across a song that reminded me of someone in my past and it would bring up all these negative memories and, consequently, I would get angry, hurt, upset, or any other blue feeling. I wouldn't get to enjoy the song and that part of my day (obviously, not the whole day) would get ruined! So instead, I chose to remember all the good things and associate the memories with happiness. (there must've been happiness somewhere, am I right?)

As a result, I get to indulge merrily on my past and enjoy my song or whatever it is I was doing. I know this is full to the brim with cheesiness so I'll get my angry persona out and use that to convince you instead.

Why should I not get to listen to my favorite music (or any other activity) just because it reminds me of a terrible time/place/person? Seriously, that wouldn't be fair. I would get even more angrier that even while that phase/time/person is gone, I'm still, in a way, paying for it.

Well, guess what? I'm not going to pay for anything. I'm going to enjoy my music and make that memory, regardless of whatever it is, PINK AND ROSY! I'll make it do my bidding.

Little things..

There is a lot of chaos in our daily lives that we have gotten accustomed to dealing with. Waking up late, forgetting to hand in an assignment, spilling coffee, and so on.

Half of the time, the best and most memorable things that we applaud the arrival of are the little things that unexpectedly make up our day. I'm going to think of the little things that I'm grateful for each day...

1. A cup of perfectly-made coffee.
2. A good "opening" song for a long car ride.
3. The baby peeking into my room to check if I'm awake.
4. Morning gossip with the Mother.
5. A late night movie after a long exhausting day with my sister.
6. A spontaneous text from someone special.
7. Reading a quite gripping chapter.
8. Discovering a great band.
9. Reading something you've written a long time ago and smiling because you remember how you felt.
10. Political, historical, or random discussions with the Father.

Derelict ships

Image Source

I miss you.

In this day and age, cliché but appropriate, technology really minimizes distance. I appreciate it yet loathe it even more. Bipolar but completely rational.

I hate BBM and I hate communicating with you through it. Ironically, it turns us into such haters. Hating on our social circle or -to put it correctly, social circles of the past- isn't quite fun anymore. It makes us petty and shallow. Long gone were the days when we would be critical and fair not just attacking and judging their actions.

I do understand people grow up and move on but it is quite difficult to do that when you are in exactly the same place, surrounded by almost the same people.

Socializing was always deemed to be the problem yet I cannot for the life of me determine how to go on about it.

Nostalgia is what saddens me most out of all this. Our teenage memories full of frivolous fun, cake, and little themed outings is what I yearn for. Our long midnight phone calls which would resolve everything by the end of it is what I miss the most.

Simply put, our friendship. The one that we had is what we have now lost. We still have a bond that is somewhat unbreakable but for some reason, not a friendship.

I guess life got in the way...

P.S. I'm still grateful for you.

Midnight Ponders.

When it comes to self-evaluation, I'm not shy. In fact, when appropriate, I will mention my strengths to others. I am proud and grateful of my, if I may say, many attributes. My weaknesses, however, are just that. Utterly weak. I am fully aware of them yet will never speak a word about them to anybody, regardless of how close.

I don't want to delve into my weaknesses and recount situations that affected me and whatnot. I only want to discuss one little weakness.

Love. Maybe not so little...
I honestly do not know whether to speak about how great it is or how it has affected me in more ways than I can ever count.

I have been in love for a little over a year and a half and as much as it has made me unbelievably happy and in love with everything around me, it has made me realize how weak and vulnerable I am.

I cannot move on with my day without him. I try to sync our schedules together. Even if we don't talk, we have to be awake at the same times. I understand that this might imply a lot of different things like how needy I am, etc. But you are just going to have to trust me on this. It is just so that I can feel we are together. I wake him up when I wake up and he does the same just so we can feel like a real couple. We talk while having dinner just like we would if we were really sitting across from each other. There is a lot of mixing and matching but it works. We do not even have to try that hard! It comes easily...

Keep in mind he doesn't live in the same city so we really cannot see each other that often.

My issue is when we travel. He might come for a weekend, get busy with family and friends. Or when I go on vacation with family, I don't have a lot of free time and cannot really "spend" time with him.

It beyond breaks my heart. I do realize how minor an issue this may seem but to me, it really is a big deal. I do not really have that many people around nor that close and it IS an issue when we are not available for each other. It saddens me beyond belief. It makes me go back to the core of it all, sharing a phone call. Not a life together, not a house, and not anything official.

It seems like I have reached a bottleneck and just cannot budge through it. I do not want to live this life of routine and family pressure. I do not want to have a telephone line connecting us. I want to give everything up and move far far away. With him.

(Note: We are on the way. It just takes time to settle things.)

Unbelievably Belated Memory.

It all started with two thirteen-year olds who sat next to each other in English class. Now English class was not a very quiet class, nor was it a class where the teacher talked a lot. It had a lot of group work and everyone was paired up in twos according to their seating. Naturally, you got to know quite a bit about the person you sat next to.

N and L were seated next to each other. They did not know each other and they didn't have the same circle of friends. However, after a while, they started talking. They talked about family, school, and they shared funny little stories. They had mutual friends and as time passed, started to hang out together in the odd little break set out originally for prayer. Eventually, their friendship panned out of the frame of the classroom. They would call each other, talking about nothing in particular or just gossip.

They were quite different from each other. N was social, she knew everybody and everybody knew her. L, on the other hand, was more shy and comfortably confined to her social circle.

In the summer of that year, N and L starting hanging out which mainly consisted of shopping. All dolled up and in high heels, makeup shopping. It was just the beginning.

It started from there and took off, birthdays were planned meticulously, phone calls never under an hour, text messages about everything and nothing, every problem was dealt with together.

As they got older, their problems increased in number and got more serious. They never budged, always there for each other. Staying up just to wait for the post-problem phone call, making the other feel better, sometimes to ask the other to interfere with a problem - make it better.

After they graduated from high school, N went abroad and L went to college at home. It was not easy to accept change, especially when it was that vehement of a change. College started and each got busy in their own lives, it was hard to keep in touch and there was a lot going on. Issues between them came up yet they overcame them all.

The great thing about their relationship was that once N came for a visit, the pieces all came together and everything made sense again. It's as if nothing has changed. However, the moment they are separated, the pieces scatter once again.

With time, like a routine, they both got used to it. They had their separate lives away from each other and yet another separate one when they were together.

Days filled with running random errands, going out for a coffee, light shopping, helping each other pick out presents, baking, staying at home, gossiping over a hot drink, watching a movie. These meant the world even if they did not really do anything meaningful. Those moments were cherished; appreciated till the next time they were together.

They might not be as close as before, but they have each other. Always there at whatever hour of the night, always just a phone call away.

Test.

Trying out mobile blogging.