Unintentional [Part 4] - Ambivalence

Just because it is doesn't mean it should be.

The rush of emotions had her reminscing; remembering what she had done to him before...

-------------------------------------------------

She had woken up that day with a hollow feeling in her stomach. Dread. She just knew she had to do it. And today was going to be the day. It would hurt him, but there was nothing else she could do.

Her birthday was coming up and he was trying to think of a way to find out what she wanted. His attempts were very subtle yet she quickly knew what he was doing and made it very clear that she didn't want anything.

I don't want you to get me anything for my birthday.
Why not?
Because. Just please don't.
I don't understand, why I can't get you something?
This is what I want. I really won't like it if you get me something.

He seemed oblivious to the fact that she couldn't accept anything from him because she wasn't with him. She couldn't bear the idea of him getting her something. That would make them official and they weren't. At least not to her. She just couldn't remember when they decided they were together. Trying desperately to remember when they decided to be an item; she couldn't stop thinking.

How did I get into this? How the hell do I get out? I do care a lot about him but I just can't be with anyone right now. It's way too much to ask of me.

She had been rejecting him for so long yet he wasn't one to give up. Maybe he thought that because they haven't been talking about it that she was finally okay with it? She didn't know, all that she knew was that she needed to get out of this fix.

Anyway babe, how was your day? Did you fight with anyone?
Actually no, I didn't.
Well that's reassuring.
If they weren't so stupid I wouldn't get into any fights in the first place!
Stubborn much?
I am not.
Yes sweetie you are.
I am anything but. Besides I really just gave up trying to get along with people. It's not my fault they are all incompetent!
That's one way to look at it, he said laughing.
Oh you find this amusing, don't you?
Actually, I find you amusing.
Your face is amusing.
He burst out laughing at her childishness.
How am I amusing? I thought you said I was the most boring-est person in the world.
You can't say 'most' with a word ending in -est. There is no such thing as boring-est anyway.
Finally, there's the Ex I know!
I can't help it if I'm a nerd and you have bad grammar, she said haughtily.
Best nerd ever...
Stop.
Stop what!
Just stop it.
But I don't want to.
I know you don't that's what I am asking you to stop. 

Listen, can I call you back in a second?

Sure. 

Bye.

She knew she had to do it. She waited till he called her back. Her phone rang a while later and staring at the screen she sighed. It was time. She couldn't understand why or how it seemed like the right time to her. To her, it just felt like it had to be done at that very moment. He called again and again and she didn't answer him till she had typed up a decent message explaining.

I can't answer your calls nor messages, I just can't deal with all that right now. I can't be with you, I just can't. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to hurt you and I know you don't deserve this. You're the sweetest person I know and you deserve to be with someone who loves you and deserves you. I'm really am sorry.

He quickly replied 'Why? What happened? Answer me'. He didn't give up that easily, she knew he wouldn't stop calling or texting her. She couldn't bring herself to answer him knowing that he would convince her out of it. He had that effect on her.

-------------------------------------------------

With that incident clearly in mind, she couldn't help but wonder why he was even putting up with her let alone telling her he loved her.