Sunday, November 20, 2011

C'est l'amour.

I never quite understood how people can spare their loved ones upsetting matters for the sake of their happiness. I am a very open person with those around me yet sometimes, no matter how much I want to, I choose to keep troubling issues to myself. We all have some kind of coping mechanism that we use to deal with all the dark matter inside and around us that usually doesn't change depending on who we're with.

The main reason why I stopped sharing is because I don't like to upset those I love. Apparently, I have been deluded before in thinking that whatever affects me won't affect those nearby. Upon that realization, I became even more blue and completely shut off.

My logical self doesn't approve of asking for help in matters that nobody really has a hand in or can provide a solution. It seems irrelevant to share. I don't like people complaining because it's an unnecessary waste of time that could be spent changing whatever it is they're complaining about. And, if it cannot be changed or helped - then it be best to move on.

On a completely evolutionary level, I don't like feeling vulnerable. No matter how confident one can be, he/she can never truly feel secure about sharing the black holes in our soul, mind, or heart especially with those that mean the most to us.

After this long process of cognizance, it dawned on me that this is what love is really all about. Selfless sacrifice of your sadness for their smiles and spirit.

So please, don't let me down.*

*As I was writing this up, Don't Let Me Down by The Beatles played on my iTunes. 

Saturday, November 05, 2011

What winter days waken...

Reuniting with a best friend after a long time apart is like greeting winter after a scorching summer. I know it might feel like the contrary to some but I feel the need to cool off after a hot and hazy summer, metaphorically speaking.

Every time the air gets a little bit cooler, the sky somewhat more gray, and the wind has a little bit of edge I remember the days when I was younger; I always get a memory of vague schooldays and my best friend.

Winter brings an air of deep melancholy everyone wallows through. I like to believe it's the grayness of the weather, the lack of warmth, and cuddly clothing that makes us feel so alone.

I spent the whole day sitting outside and pouring my heart out to my best friend. To say I feel better would be the epitome of an understatement. I feel better but much worse because only when you say something aloud to another person does it really ring in your head how true it is. And everything is surreal.

How things were and how things are leaves me distraught.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rosy Pink Memories

Life is full of little moments that reminds us of something in our pasts. Whether it comes in the form of a song, picture, piece of writing, or something even more vague like a scent, a color, a place. For some reason, however odd it may be, our subconscious chooses to associate certain feelings with those little fragments of our past.

And for other reasons, albeit unknown to me, my mind chooses to remember only the positives of any one association. To the extent that every single time I reminisce, everything comes up rosy and nice. Now I know that sounds inanely delusional but I have come to see the reason behind it - or my presumed reason seeing as I really can never know (ignore the psychological babble). I have created a mechanism, one may call it defensive if they choose, however I see it as completely practical in order for one to enjoy life. Imagine every time I came across a song that reminded me of someone in my past and it would bring up all these negative memories and, consequently, I would get angry, hurt, upset, or any other blue feeling. I wouldn't get to enjoy the song and that part of my day (obviously, not the whole day) would get ruined! So instead, I chose to remember all the good things and associate the memories with happiness. (there must've been happiness somewhere, am I right?)

As a result, I get to indulge merrily on my past and enjoy my song or whatever it is I was doing. I know this is full to the brim with cheesiness so I'll get my angry persona out and use that to convince you instead.

Why should I not get to listen to my favorite music (or any other activity) just because it reminds me of a terrible time/place/person? Seriously, that wouldn't be fair. I would get even more angrier that even while that phase/time/person is gone, I'm still, in a way, paying for it.

Well, guess what? I'm not going to pay for anything. I'm going to enjoy my music and make that memory, regardless of whatever it is, PINK AND ROSY! I'll make it do my bidding.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Little things..

There is a lot of chaos in our daily lives that we have gotten accustomed to dealing with. Waking up late, forgetting to hand in an assignment, spilling coffee, and so on.

Half of the time, the best and most memorable things that we applaud the arrival of are the little things that unexpectedly make up our day. I'm going to think of the little things that I'm grateful for each day...

1. A cup of perfectly-made coffee.
2. A good "opening" song for a long car ride.
3. The baby peeking into my room to check if I'm awake.
4. Morning gossip with the Mother.
5. A late night movie after a long exhausting day with my sister.
6. A spontaneous text from someone special.
7. Reading a quite gripping chapter.
8. Discovering a great band.
9. Reading something you've written a long time ago and smiling because you remember how you felt.
10. Political, historical, or random discussions with the Father.