Sunday, October 25, 2009

Pillow Talk

...people used to call me lucky, now I know that I am.
I don't mind being unlucky as long as I'm rewarded with you now. I'd willingly go through all the misfortunes I had to go through if that means being lucky once with you.

Funny how the most heartfelt words materialize in just the perfect moment.

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Inviolable Commitment

To her it was not a chore nor a forced upon task.
It was done volitionally and more importantly, with love.

Commitment seemed like such a bold, impregnable word whereas on the other hand it occurred naturally to her. With such suave. It wasn't like before. At least not for her. There was more effort, time, and energy invested into making this work. Long-term material. Talking to other people wasn't a distraction anymore. More like a mere nuisance that she brushed off.

It was love. Maybe not the whole head-over-heels love nor the intoxicated black hole love. Other people's definitions didn't do the term justice. All romantic attempts aside, she just couldn't care about another person this much without loving them.

He made her heart sing. Prance around in her rib cage. To say she was speechless would be too off. She had so much to say about him, how he made her feel, how much she loved him that she wouldn't know how to start, where...

She was his clingy girlfriend and that's all that mattered.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Rife With Rumors

Dear Mister --,
I feel extremely silly writing this to you but I guess why not? Why not keep the ancient tradition of letter writing alive? I'll stop with the somewhat rhetorical questions now. I'm writing this while I'm supposed to study for my Microeconomics Final tomorrow. I miss you. Every second of every minute of every hour of every day! I miss you when I study, when I sleep, when I wake up, when I eat, when I'm with my friends, when I'm listening to music, when I'm in the car, when I'm in class, when I'm writing a paper. Every time I attempt to understand how the opportunity cost of producing a product leads to a comparative advantage over other producers, I remember you and smile. I bet there will be a question about this tomorrow and I might or might not remember the answer but I'll remember you and smile. ♥

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Rubefacient Remarks

I'm just not used to being single. At the end of the day, I always had someone.
Let me be that someone.

She was speechless. Whatever it was she was expecting, it wasn't this. She never knew he thought of her in that way or that he had feelings for her. Ecstatic.

He took her silence as a polite decline.
It's okay if you don't want to...
It's not that. It's just... Y-you took me by surprise.
I wasn't going to say anything this soon but I didn't want to fall in your circle of friends... We'll take it slow.

The way those simple words made her feel. She felt warm inside and was almost sure she was blushing. She smiled. He was the epitome of perfection to her.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Opaque Purple Tights

Her phone vibrated.
Call me when you're on your way.

She sighed and thought about the evening with dread. 

I'd rather just stay in bed and sleep.

Opening her closet, she quickly skimmed through her clothes. It was cold outside. She didn't feel
like socializing, faking smiles, and looking pretty. She grabbed her long-sleeved grey woolen dress and a pair of purple tights.

She always found a way to distract herself. Whether it was some
light shopping or spending the day with one of the girls. Her number one rule nowadays was to not get too attached. After all, everyone whom she had ever gotten close to seemed to find a way to hurt her. I never allowed myself to miss you.

She took her time while applying her makeup. Slowly contemplating...

She was went out all the time, forcing herself to socialize, going out with random people, studying when there was nothing to study for, hanging out with mutual friends... She didn't have time to miss him. She repressed the memory of him. Them, for far too long. 

She remembered the box he got her. She got up and went to her dresser.
She took out the little brown box from the back of her sock drawer and slowly opened it. It was still there. Shiny and sparkling in the light.

As she was taking it out; the memory of him overwhelmed her. 

I can't. I just can't. I miss you too much. I miss how your smell, your laugh, the way you say"okay" like you meant it, your obsession about everything football..

She put it back, got up and finished getting ready. As she left, she wiped a tear that seemed to escape. 


Repression is just a defense mechanism, the memory is bound to catch up with us.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Unintentional [Part 7] - Interminably

It was like nothing ever changed. Like nothing ever happened between them. 

I got so excited in class, I wouldn't stop interuppting her till she let me read.
He softly chuckled as he imagined her jumping up and down on her seat.
Well, did you read it?
YES! I'm so happy I got to read that part! I don't know why but it made my day.
That's good to hear.
But now I'm so behind the other books I'm reading.
How many books are you reading?!
Two. No, no three.
One is for my class and the other two are for my book clubs.
Your book club with Lulu?
You're reading two books for that?
No, it's not the same book club.
She could could tell that he wasn't going to like this.
Who is the other book club with?
She paused and didn't know how to answer him.
My friend.

He got the hint and completely changed the course of conversation. She was happy that he didn't push for any details. After all, she hated upsetting him. Besides, they were pretending everything was perfect, why ruin it now?

Even though he tried desperately to make himself more openminded, he couldn't handle all guy friends she had and how she referred to them as any other one of the girls she knew.

Two minutes after she hung up, she got a message from him...
Ex, you were right all along, we aren't good together at all that's why I want you to forgive me if I ever hurt you...

She wasn't shocked nor surprised. In a way, she was expecting this all along.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Unintentional [Part 6] - Un Ange Passe


She stared at her phone for a minute. She could feel her heart throbbing. She couldn't see or hear anymore. Sitting down, she dialed the number she still remembered without thinking twice.

He sounded worried. She had missed his voice. She felt her heart breaking at the sound of his voice.
How are you? Are you okay?
I'm okay. How are you?
I'm okay too.

With the formalities out of the way, there was an awkward silence. One she wasn't about to break. She was quietly listening to him breathing softly. She knew he had a lot to say but needed time to say them.

How's Uni?
It's okay, how's work?
It's okay.

Can I ask you something?
This was it...
Why what?
Don't play games Ex. I want to know.
She sighed.
Tell me.
Her eyes started watering immediately.

Did you get engaged or something? Did someone find out about us? Are you with someone else?!

She tried to stop crying and answer his question but it just caught her off guard. Why else would he have called? She needed to calm down and answer him. The answer she had been putting at the back of her head all this time, the one she never wanted to tell anyone, lest of all to him. He doesn't deserve this. Her tears were falling, she was crying quietly. Yet he was too angry to notice.

I know you don't want to tell me Ex. But I need to know. And I think I've waited long enough.
Okay, okay. I'm going to tell you, just give me time to breathe.
I've given you way too much time, I can't wait any longer. Tell me.
It's just...I mean you know about me and my -ex, right? I was barely single for a few weeks till you declared us together. And you just assumed that I was okay with it. I'm sorry I know you don't deserve this or me but I can't be in a relationship with you.
I thought you were over him.
I was over him but I never wanted anything more with you... I thought we were close friends and that's it. You always wanted more and I just couldn't give it to you! I couldn't be that person for you and you knew it all along yet you kept pushing me...Just because I'm single now doesn't change anything.
Do you want to be with me?
It's not like that.
Ex, answer the question.
I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! Stop asking me and stop pushing me. I know you don't deserve this and I don't deserve you. But you got to stop pressuring me.
Just answer the question. I'm done with discussing this with you.
I don't know. Maybe. Not now? I don't know.
Alright then.


He always managed to leave things unsettled.

So what now? Are we going to be friends? Are we not going to talk ever again? Dammit, are we together?!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Unintentional [Part 5] - X,Y, & Z

(Still Reminscing)...

She looks at her phone.
16 Missed Calls

Her phone started ringing again. Without looking at it, she silenced it and put it under her pillow. This is how it was going to be. She couldn't risk talking to him. At least not now. He stopped calling and started sending messages. She deleted them without even reading them.
I can't keep playing with his feelings. I can't be with him. I don't want to. He doesn't deserve me, he needs someone who loves him back. I don't. Her tears started falling. The more she cried, the more she hurt more. I can't believe I'm doing this. He needs me. I need him! At this point, she had no more tears left and was just sobbing. Pretty soon, she was under her warm duvet and fast asleep.


The days passed. Days, weeks, and now months. She had thought with time it would get easier yet it was just the opposite; the more time that passed the more she missed him. At first she couldn't stop thinking about him, about him waking up with no message from her. No mid-morning messages either. No calls during her lunch hour. They usually talked on their way back home – him from work and her from Uni. Her sleep got messed up after a while. She slept after Uni and there was no wake up call from him. She lost track of everything; her projects, quizzes, and assignments. She felt so lost at Uni, between her friends, and even her family. When she got angry and needed him to calm her down yet he obviously wasn't there. She would burst out crying just at the thought. She hated that she was so dependent on him! To think that he had taken over her world would be an understatement. He had always told her that he was with her and there for her. Always. How could I do this? How could I throw away the most important thing in my life?! What I needed and still need the most!

He had cared so much about her. He knew her class schedule by heart. He knew her instructors and professors – which ones she loved and the ones she hated the most. He knew her marks in every class and on every assignment. He knew her Uni friends, school friends, and the ones that were abroad. There was no part of her life which he wasn't included in and none of which she hid from him. He was her everything.


It came to a point where they were completely out of each others' lives. He had stopped calling and messaging her. He had even blocked and deleted her off his messenger. It was like a slap on the face when she saw that but she knew there was nothing she could do to make it better. She couldn't call him, she just couldn't - what was she supposed to say? I can't be with you because I don't love you and that is why I'm doing this? In her opinion, this would hurt him much less.

At the back of her mind, she knew he couldn't keep away. That this was just a phase. He was inevitably going to call her.
He has to call, I mean he doesn't even know why! The thought alone was a comfort to her. She knew if he called it would only to ask for an explanation and she hoped she would be ready to tell him.

Eventually, she had gotten used to the emptiness. She didn't check her phone every 5 minutes. She didn't even bother charging it anymore and more than once she purposely left it at home when she went out. She deleted all his messages and was going to delete his number but what would be the point when she had it memorized?

With time, she almost forgot about him. He was just a shining memory in her past. There were times when she would remember his voice, laugh, and hidden smiles. But they were too subtle to bring her out of her world where she has gone too deeply into denial. She had thrown herself at her studies; studied her heart out, worked on her projects and put way too much effort in her school work. When she wasn't working, she went out with friends she hardly even cared about. Not even friends but acquaintances. People who she just started hanging out with for the sake of wasting time.


It was 5 PM. Her parents were taking their usual after-afternoon nap. She had just came home from an early-dinner/late-lunch with the girls. Tiptoeing her way to her room, she could feel her phone vibrating in her purse. She didn't bother taking it out. Who could it be? Nobody calls her anymore. It's probably one of the girls, she might want something.
I couldn't care less.

After taking off her shiny black YSL stilletoes, she threw herself on her bed. She cuddled up under her colorful blanket and was ready to fall asleep when she remembered her phone. Lazily getting up, she got her phone from her bag and flipped it open.

1 missed call.

It was him.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Unintentional [Part 4] - Ambivalence

Just because it is doesn't mean it should be.

The rush of emotions had her reminscing; remembering what she had done to him before...


She had woken up that day with a hollow feeling in her stomach. Dread. She just knew she had to do it. And today was going to be the day. It would hurt him, but there was nothing else she could do.

Her birthday was coming up and he was trying to think of a way to find out what she wanted. His attempts were very subtle yet she quickly knew what he was doing and made it very clear that she didn't want anything.

I don't want you to get me anything for my birthday.
Why not?
Because. Just please don't.
I don't understand, why I can't get you something?
This is what I want. I really won't like it if you get me something.

He seemed oblivious to the fact that she couldn't accept anything from him because she wasn't with him. She couldn't bear the idea of him getting her something. That would make them official and they weren't. At least not to her. She just couldn't remember when they decided they were together. Trying desperately to remember when they decided to be an item; she couldn't stop thinking.

How did I get into this? How the hell do I get out? I do care a lot about him but I just can't be with anyone right now. It's way too much to ask of me.

She had been rejecting him for so long yet he wasn't one to give up. Maybe he thought that because they haven't been talking about it that she was finally okay with it? She didn't know, all that she knew was that she needed to get out of this fix.

Anyway babe, how was your day? Did you fight with anyone?
Actually no, I didn't.
Well that's reassuring.
If they weren't so stupid I wouldn't get into any fights in the first place!
Stubborn much?
I am not.
Yes sweetie you are.
I am anything but. Besides I really just gave up trying to get along with people. It's not my fault they are all incompetent!
That's one way to look at it, he said laughing.
Oh you find this amusing, don't you?
Actually, I find you amusing.
Your face is amusing.
He burst out laughing at her childishness.

How am I amusing? I thought you said I was the most boring-est person in the world.
You can't say 'most' with a word ending in -est. There is no such thing as boring-est anyway.
Finally, there's the Ex I know!
I can't help it if I'm a nerd and you have bad grammar, she said haughtily.
Best nerd ever...
Stop what!
Just stop it.
But I don't want to.
I know you don't that's what I am asking you to stop. 
Listen, can I call you back in a second?

She knew she had to do it. She waited till he called her back. Her phone rang a while later and staring at the screen she sighed. It was time. She couldn't understand why or how it seemed like the right time to her. To her, it just felt like it had to be done at that very moment. He called again and again and she didn't answer him till she had typed up a decent message explaining.

I can't answer your calls nor messages, I just can't deal with all that right now. I can't be with you, I just can't. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to hurt you and I know you don't deserve this. You're the sweetest person I know and you deserve to be with someone who loves you and deserves you. I'm really am sorry.

He quickly replied 'Why? What happened? Answer me'. He didn't give up that easily, she knew he wouldn't stop calling or texting her. She couldn't bring herself to answer him knowing that he would convince her out of it. He had that effect on her.


With that incident clearly in mind, she couldn't help but wonder why he was even putting up with her let alone telling her he loved her.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Unintentional [Part 3] - Futility

Sitting with her mother watching Dr. Phil, she heard her phone ringing in the adjacent room. She got up, wondering who it was. Before getting to her phone, she suspected it was him.

How was your weekend?
It was fine.
Did you eat?
Ummm no actually...
Yeah yeah I know it's just that my sleep is all messed up and I went to Uni without sleeping and-
You didn't sleep yesterday?
No, I couldn't.
Why not?!
I don't know and I was so tired, I don't know what was wrong with me.
Why couldn't you sleep? What were you doing?
Nothing, I told you I don't know why. I just couldn't.
What do you mean you dont know?!
Why are you doing this? Why don't care about yourself?! What do I have to remind you to sleep, eat, wake up, study?

He kept interrogating her like she was his wife or something.  He wouldn't stop and wouldn't let her get a word in. She didn't understand why he was so mad. She couldn't take all the yelling anymore. She yelled,

STOP IT! Why are you yelling at me? I'm not a child, I know what I'm doing. What the hell!

You always do this to me, I was fine a couple of minutes ago but you just had to come and mess up my mood like you always do. WHY DO YOU CARE ANYWAY!

I hate it. It's like your my mother or something. It's not like I don't get this from her already. I mean your acting like I WANTED TO STAY UP THE WHOLE NIGHT because that's cool right and blacking out is even cooler, isnt it?

I'm sick of the way you treat me. I am not a child!


I'm sorry.
X, come on!
I don't want to.
You don't want to what?
I don't know, I just don't want to.
He started laughing.
Why are you laughing? ITS NOT FUNNY!
His laughing got louder.
Come on, stop it. 
I'm serious stop!
He tried to muffle his laughs but failed miserably.
Hehe it's not that funny.
She couldn't help but join in.
You suck.
I know.
No no, you suck BIG TIME.
I know, I know.
Good. Where are you?
Yeah okaaaaay.
Alright alright I got it.
He laughed.
You really are something.

Ending the call, she couldn't help but feel uneasy about the situation. What has she gotten herself into? She hopes she isn't in too deep but knowing him, she probably was. This time it wasn't her fault, she had made everything crystal clear, he knew the rules, and he knew what he was getting himself into. 

35 minutes later. Her phone indicated one new message:
I love you ..

She felt a rush of emotions all at once. Happiness, anger, regret and sadness.  He can't do this to me, he just can't. She was going to fight it, fight the feeling that overwhelmed her.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Unintentional [Part 2]

Unintentional [Part 1]

"Vanity, not love, has been my folly."
- Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)

It was awkward at first, but  it only took a couple of minutes to find their dynamic. She told him about her Mid-Terms, projects, and assignments. She was excited to tell him about her two research papers that she had to do, what she chose, and what she was going to claim. She told him about the book she's reading, and what shows she's watching. She told him about how she got into a fight with one of her Professors, and how she got another one mad at her because she refused to work with a group. How she sent a long e-mail to the head of department because they made her write an essay about a topic which was sexually discriminatory and she refused to do the assignment. She told him about where she went out and with who. She gave him the names of all the girls she recently started hanging out with.

She felt the need to tell him everything even the little details. With more than a month apart from him, she finally felt the feeling of emptiness he had caused by leaving. By her pushing him away... It was all her fault really, she couldn't blame him. He wasn't a constant part of her life like he was before. She wanted it this way, it was better. She wouldn't let him get too close and he wouldn't try to either. That way nobody would get hurt. It was only a few calls here and there. Always from his side, never her. 

Hey pretty girl, sleep tight.

She couldn't help but smile knowing that he had her back and would always be there for her even though they weren't as close nor even friends.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 3]

It was the day she knew he had been waiting for. She didn't know how she was going to tell him but it was obvious what was going to happen.

She was carefully putting on her red nail polish. Focusing on each layer while painting her immaculate nails, she could hardly hear her phone vibrating. Picking it up half-heartedly it read 1 new message.

? - Y

She took a deep breath and making sure not to smudge her nail polish; she dialed the long forgotten number. He answered immediately on the second ring.

"Look I-"
"I get it, don't explain."
"But it's just that-"
"No seriously, it's all clear now. Don't explain."
"Listen to me!"
"I don't have to, I know what you are going to say. It's all good."
"How about I-"
"I have to go. We'll do this some other time."

She knew he wasn't stupid but was in her own world of denial where what she was doing wasn't obvious at all. What do I do now?!

She sat down on her bed. She had lied to him. She couldn't tell him the truth. He couldn't take the truth. I love him. When did it get this complicated?!


Two days later.

Signing on to her Facebook page, the first status that catches her eye, Y is in London.

With a frown, she opens his profile. He's gone. There's nothing I can do about it anymore. She spent the rest of the day Facebook stalking him.

Looking through the pics, she yearned for the days when they were together. How he spoiled her. How he constantly texted her. How he woke up in the middle of the night and called her because he missed her. How the first thing he did in the morning when he woke up was call her. How he tried to fix her sleep. How he texted her when he was going anywhere and what he was doing or if he thought about her. How he tried so hard to make it work. How he wouldn't give her up without a fight ...

A picture of his little siblings brought her back to reality. It was his little sister and brother. His sister had the same name as her yet he never added the 'h' like she did. She made a big deal about it, after all it was her name. Although in previous pictures he spelled it without the 'h', in this picture he had added the 'h'. Picture added yesterday. 

He signs in. She waits for a couple of minutes before chatting with him.
Hey, how are you?
Hi, I'm good. How are you? 

He's gone.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 2] didn't know it was my favorite song? What kind of permanent girlfriend are you!
What the hell is a permanent girlfriend...?
I don't know I just made it up. It could, however, mean a girl who I consider to be close to me no matter what the current circumstances are.
I love how we just exist, she said sarcastically and full of contempt.
Well it's a comfortable relationship, he said matter-of-fact-ly.

She got angry at his overbearance and nonchalance.
Why didn't this mean anything to him? Why wasn't he serious? Why couldn't he at least try and fix it with me? If we aren't over, then why aren't we together?!

Is it because there are no strings attached? Or because we don't talk? Or because it's long distance?
No strings attached is always good. We don't talk unless we have something to talk about and we manage to communicate without words effectively aaaand it's not long distance all the time.

He was so, what was the word? ...practical? Why did he make it seem like she was just another thing to scratch out on his to-do list. And his stoic-ness! His cool was simply infuriating! 

So what's going to happen?
I told you, I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? I have to know.
I can't have you as a friend.
There's an obvious solution to that problem.
Oh yeah? Please point it out to the blonde me.
How about this, how about I see you tomorrow and we talk about it then? Sound good?
Just believe me on this, okay?
Why aren't you listening to a word I say? Listen to me.
I'm listening.
The friends thing isn't going to work, obviously and I don't want anything else to happen... We aren't together Y. I can't just pretend we are.
First of all, there's no reason why we can't be friends and there's no reason why you can't see me as a friend. That's first of all. Secondly, we may not be formally together but will it make it any better if we were? Will it make it any better if I told you now, Ex I wanna get back together with you? No, it won't. But we still feel this attraction between us. I've felt it ever since I started talking to you as my girl. Sure, it was on and off at times, but it has withstood more than a year so why the fuck are you telling me to deny it? Why are you telling me that we should deny ourselves what we already have? We owe it to ourselves to make the most of these few rare opportunities but again, it's your choice and I don't want to pressure you. If I'm not going to see you tomorrow night, I'll be upset but I won't lose you over it.

Being a man of little words, his long speech caught her completely off guard. Her body froze and the confusion had mounted up to the point where she couldn't feel anything anymore. Her heart stopped sinking, stopped pounding. She had to listen closely to feel the dull thumps once again. 

Why does he insist on this...this confusion! I can't deal with the grey anymore, I want everything in black and white. Crystal clear. Why is he doing this to me? He knows exactly how I feel...

You know I still have feelings for you, you know that I would take you back in a heartbeat, you know all that. I don't need to remind you. It's just I can't take the hurt anymore. I'm sick of the drama. I repeat, I don't know.
No pressure.

[P.S. If any of you might have noticed, I used a lot of words the wrong way (whether in meaning, grammatically incorrect-ness or sentence structure) just for the sake of wanting to use them so please excuse that]

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 1]

...maybe it's why we are still attached somehow? I've been attached to you since ever... Maybe not consciously but definitely every now and then I think of you and miss you and wish things were different. What I'm saying is, we owe it to ourselves to fulfill this.
But then what? You'll leave and we break up and you want me to go through that again?
Then we see how we feel... I'll leave that's for sure, we don't have to break up. We can have this thing going on for years without any problems.
I can't do the long distance thing.
I think we can have what Facebook calls an open relationship.
I don't think I can handle that.
I don't expect you to.

She just couldn't take it anymore. He was toying around with her emotions, being too much of a coward to say what he really wanted. She lost it.

Then what are you expecting? What do you want to do? What is asked of me? I don't understand what you want and how you want us to do this. I want to act on instinct and follow my heart but I can't. You know exactly how I feel.
I don't know either.
This is getting nowhere. How about we talk this later? I'm just not feeling up for this, too sleepy.

She left it at that. She couldn't bear to be anymore vulnerable than she already was. She could feel the tears staining her cheeks.


...I have to think about this. I mean I'll see you as what? That's the question. What are we?
Don't think about that. It's easier if you don't.
I have to.
No you don't. You can just forget about it.
I don't want to get hurt. What about when you leave, I don't want to go through that again...
Neither do I.
Then what?
I don't know. It will figure itself out. Listen don't think too hard about it because thinking too deep into anything will eventually ruin it and sometimes you just have to follow your intuition. Sometimes you have to follow your heart...
I don't know...
Anyway you know that you can always come to me as a friend even if you don't want to come to me as my girl... You will always have at least a friend in me.
This sucks.


Sitting around a fire in a big tent-like room full of women constantly chattering about one thing or the other. Coffee, chocolate and sweets are being passed around. Talk gets interrupted with a laugh, maybe a couple of giggles...

She sighed and looked at the time, 10.35 PM. I want to go home! Her aunt was next to her and according to the expression on her face, she wasn't at all pleased where she was. "Let's go wash up or something." Immediately getting up, her phone rings. Her aunt gives her a look that she doesn't notice.

Y is calling...

She gets up and leaves the tent, hearing the dull clickety-clack of her grey suede boots against the pavement. She answers him while making her way to the playground. After the small-talk, he asked if she was busy. 

No, I was looking for an excuse to leave. I needed a break.
You make it sound like it's work, to take a break from it!
Believe me, it is.

Awkward silence...

So uh why'd you call me?

Immediately after saying it she regretted it. She wasn't a very tactful person.

Ouch! Can't I say hi to you?
It's not that...
I just wanted to say hi.

Awkward silence. She looked at her reflection in the glass doors of an empty room. Long black sweater, tight purple skinny jeans... She sat down on one of the empty swings.

Ummm so I'm hoping you don't always go out two nights in a row...
Getting to the point? Took you long enough.
Actually, I have this thing tomorrow. Look, I have to go. We'll talk about this later, yeah?
Okay okay bye.

I'll deal with this later.
She took a deep breath and got up from the swings. While walking to the tent, she wondered if they were done discussing Flana's engagement.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

SUS - Part [1]

The other day while I was sending an e-mail to one of my classmates about my Calculus 101 class, this random guy starts talking to me. 

Completing neglecting the whole "Hi, how are you?" he skips to"Your taste in music, who influenced you?".

I'm guessing he saw my favorite music in one profile or another. When I told him I was never influenced that I just fell into them, he goes on to say "No way you can't come up with some of the names yourself. Was it an older brother or sister? Who is it?". 

Being the eldest, I obviously don't have an older brother nor sister, and as I was telling him that...
"An 18 year old must have been introduced to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. So who was it?"
"No one!"
"You're kidding me."
"Why would I 'kid'? I was never 'introduced' to them either."
"How did you come to like Pink Floyd? Tell me the story."
"There is no story."
"What's the first song you liked?"
"Bike - if you are still talking about Pink Floyd."
"Do you understand the song? It's so dark ... Syd wrote it on an acid trip."
"I don't think it's that dark."
"It's so dark and hopeless."
"Maybe it has a deeper meaning. Whatever. So you're a music junkie I presume?"
"Not a junkie but I understand music. All Pink Floyd songs have a deeper meaning. It took me 2 years to like them and 4 years to understand them. Pink Floyd is the most difficult band."
"But I don't think they should be studied."
"They should be studied. There are books to explain the lyrics."
"Different songs mean different things to different people." (How about I learn a synonym for different? haha)
"Well, Pink Floyd wrote poetry not lyrics and instrumentally they played progressive classic rock - the hardest type."
"I guess I'm not into that, reading in between the lines and over-analyzing songs and lyrics."
"Lol, it's okay. You're ''bta3 kollo'' in your taste."
"Not really."
"My advice is to stay away from Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, that's all. They'll fuck up your life
easily. Led Zeppelin are philosophers."
"If you'll let them. -_-" (Here I was kind of getting bored of the whole high and mighty thing he had going on)
"So are Pink Floyd, both are too dark. If you take them seriously you'll have no choice. Jimmy Pages favourite subject to read is satanism. Stick to Pop."
"Sure." (obvious sarcasm, not?)
"Good. Take them off your profile too, they would attract only depressive maniacs to add you." (Like you?)
"I was being sarcastic. I enjoy their songs."
"Stay away from classic rock please. It's not for you."
"How can you say that?"
"Fuck me, you're the type that would jump off a cliff if advised not to."
"You don't even know me so you don't know what's 'for' me and what's not."
You don't have permission to chat with this person.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Wednesday 17th of December
Six days before the end of us
5.00 PM

Curled up in her bed with her fat duvet watching an episode of one of her many series, she thought of next week. Next monday. She never got this excited about anything before and yet every time she merely thought of it she could swear she felt her heart sink. Interrupting her thoughts, the sound of the messenger brought her back to reality. Putting her laptop on her lap, she realized it was Pink. Her heart sank a bit more. After a bit of small talk, he asked what she was doing today. She gave him the whole "I hate wednesdays" talk. She never could answer a question that simple, could she?

Pink asked to pick her up, just take her for a drive around. She would have usually said no, being a Wednesday and all, but something told her to go for it. 
"I'll think about it"
"I'll give you till 7 and I'm coming to get you"
"I'll think about it"
"There's nothing to think about"
"What about monday?"
"It can still go as planned, I'm not going to change anything"
"Alright then."

Seeing as it was only 5, she tried to get back to her show. For some reason, she couldn't get herself to concentrate on what was happening. She kept blanking out. She regretted not sleeping enough the night before. Getting up, she went to sit with her parents. Her mother and father were having tea in front of the TV. Finding a comfortable place next to her father, she sat down and listened to her dad talking on the phone. Something about the family. Her mother was quietly watching her usual show. 

She loved the fact that she didn't have to say anything. She could just sit there quietly and feel the love. Being all cozy and warm, she fell into an uneasy sleep. Her phone lit up and vibrated again and again. She was too tired to notice. It finally fell to the floor and kept vibrating. The noise was enough to wake her. She got up. The lights had been turned off and she was covered with one of her mother's large shawls. As she sat up, she wondered what time it was. Grabbing her phone, she remembered P. Shit! It was 7.30!

Checking her phone, there were 7 missed calls - 5 from P and 2 from her mother. She called her mother who had just wanted to make sure she didn't oversleep. She immediately called P. He told her he didn't leave the house, that he knew she had fallen asleep. 

"I'm sorry. It's still early though.."
"Don't worry about it, I'm on my way."

Getting up to change, she looked at the mirror. Her eyes were pink, her face was a pale yellow, and her hair was nothing short of a mess. I promised. She didn't feel like dressing up. She didn't have to anyway. After all, it was just him. She opened her closet and got out a light pink top with her white jeans. Heels or flats? She picked up her brown suede flats with no hesitance. As she changed, she realized it was freezing! I can't go out like this. Reluctantly, she put on her warm brown cardigan. Quickly putting on some makeup, a dash of pink lipstick and some mascara - she was ready to go. A couple of minutes later, P called. She checked her reflection one more time. Pale face, eyebrows raised, pink lips, no smile and a completely stoic expression. She went down. She was ready.


10.00 PM
The same day
After coming home.

Nobody was home yet. She quickly made her way to her room. She put her purse on the dresser and quickly glanced at the mirror. Her lips were bare, her face had a natural flush, her nose was red from the cold and there was a smile she just couldn't hide.

She left everything and went to take a hot bath. Half an hour later, she checked her phone 2 missed calls, 1 new message - "Just wanted to make sure you're okay". She smiled. I am now.