Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Unintentional [Part 4] - Ambivalence

Just because it is doesn't mean it should be.

The rush of emotions had her reminscing; remembering what she had done to him before...


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She had woken up that day with a hollow feeling in her stomach. Dread. She just knew she had to do it. And today was going to be the day. It would hurt him, but there was nothing else she could do.

Her birthday was coming up and he was trying to think of a way to find out what she wanted. His attempts were very subtle yet she quickly knew what he was doing and made it very clear that she didn't want anything.

I don't want you to get me anything for my birthday.
Why not?
Because. Just please don't.
I don't understand, why I can't get you something?
This is what I want. I really won't like it if you get me something.

He seemed oblivious to the fact that she couldn't accept anything from him because she wasn't with him. She couldn't bear the idea of him getting her something. That would make them official and they weren't. At least not to her. She just couldn't remember when they decided they were together. Trying desperately to remember when they decided to be an item; she couldn't stop thinking.

How did I get into this? How the hell do I get out? I do care a lot about him but I just can't be with anyone right now. It's way too much to ask of me.

She had been rejecting him for so long yet he wasn't one to give up. Maybe he thought that because they haven't been talking about it that she was finally okay with it? She didn't know, all that she knew was that she needed to get out of this fix.

Anyway babe, how was your day? Did you fight with anyone?
Actually no, I didn't.
Well that's reassuring.
If they weren't so stupid I wouldn't get into any fights in the first place!
Stubborn much?
I am not.
Yes sweetie you are.
I am anything but. Besides I really just gave up trying to get along with people. It's not my fault they are all incompetent!
That's one way to look at it, he said laughing.
Oh you find this amusing, don't you?
Actually, I find you amusing.
Your face is amusing.
He burst out laughing at her childishness.

How am I amusing? I thought you said I was the most boring-est person in the world.
You can't say 'most' with a word ending in -est. There is no such thing as boring-est anyway.
Finally, there's the Ex I know!
I can't help it if I'm a nerd and you have bad grammar, she said haughtily.
Best nerd ever...
Stop.
Stop what!
Just stop it.
But I don't want to.
I know you don't that's what I am asking you to stop. 
Listen, can I call you back in a second?
Sure. 
Bye.

She knew she had to do it. She waited till he called her back. Her phone rang a while later and staring at the screen she sighed. It was time. She couldn't understand why or how it seemed like the right time to her. To her, it just felt like it had to be done at that very moment. He called again and again and she didn't answer him till she had typed up a decent message explaining.

I can't answer your calls nor messages, I just can't deal with all that right now. I can't be with you, I just can't. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to hurt you and I know you don't deserve this. You're the sweetest person I know and you deserve to be with someone who loves you and deserves you. I'm really am sorry.

He quickly replied 'Why? What happened? Answer me'. He didn't give up that easily, she knew he wouldn't stop calling or texting her. She couldn't bring herself to answer him knowing that he would convince her out of it. He had that effect on her.

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With that incident clearly in mind, she couldn't help but wonder why he was even putting up with her let alone telling her he loved her.

11 comments:

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Things have a strange way of working out, but they do work out, really. Not necessarily through time, time's just a tool, just like patience. You own these tools though, write out your future.

You've read my post about never giving up, that explains a few~

Wake up with a smile, alright sunshine?

Love how you posted it @ 11:11~

Ex-clamation Mark said...

lol I didn't realize the time, scary though!

They do work out only if you have the determination to make them work meaning you WANT it to work and are willing to do everything in your power to. I guess it's clear that she doesn't feel that way =/

I will if you will ;P

Nutter said...

she clearly can't handle a relationship atleast not right now. maybe if she made him understand that fully he wouldn't try to talk her out of it but allow her to take her time and make a decision for herself.

to me, they sorta click but i guess the time isn't right :S

who knows maybe there will be more to this story.

missed you girl and you're unique style! :*

Eramsurviv0r said...

^^
sorry this comment isn't really related to the post, it's just that the title immediately caught my attention.
So much history with that word ^^
plus, i really noticed that a lot of instances when i check the time..it seems it always point to 11:11
>_>

Ex-clamation Mark said...

Gone Bonkers:
It's not only that she doesn't want to be in a relationship, she doesn't want to commit to anyone.
They do click, they are so different from one another that there is some sort of attraction between the two and you know what they say 'opposites attract'.
I missed you too ;*

Eramsurvivor:
Thanks for your comment =D
It is with me too! And I didn't even notice until MFarazi pointed it out =P

doona said...

things always suck when feelings are one-sided....and not necessarily only for the person with feelings...

guilt is such a crappy feeling =\

Ex-clamation Mark said...

Thank you for saying that!
It sucks for the other person that doesn't share those feelings as well! They are stuck - they can't love the person because they simply don't and yet can't put up with it or pretend to as it will lead the other person on and they'll get hurt eventually. This is what it's all about =)

Guilt sucks. -_-

Anonymous said...

*deep sigh*
There must be a good reason for what she's doing :( . He should give her more time and try to not put pressure on her coz he won't benefit from that.

I really loved this part

Ex-clamation Mark said...

She doesn't want him as more than a friend.

Thank you for reading =)

Anonymous said...

oh finally i'm here.My laptop got damaged and i lost your blog link. I thought that u've updated sth :)