Sunday, January 25, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 3]

It was the day she knew he had been waiting for. She didn't know how she was going to tell him but it was obvious what was going to happen.

She was carefully putting on her red nail polish. Focusing on each layer while painting her immaculate nails, she could hardly hear her phone vibrating. Picking it up half-heartedly it read 1 new message.

? - Y

She took a deep breath and making sure not to smudge her nail polish; she dialed the long forgotten number. He answered immediately on the second ring.

"Look I-"
"I get it, don't explain."
"But it's just that-"
"No seriously, it's all clear now. Don't explain."
"Listen to me!"
"I don't have to, I know what you are going to say. It's all good."
"How about I-"
"I have to go. We'll do this some other time."

She knew he wasn't stupid but was in her own world of denial where what she was doing wasn't obvious at all. What do I do now?!

She sat down on her bed. She had lied to him. She couldn't tell him the truth. He couldn't take the truth. I love him. When did it get this complicated?!


Two days later.

Signing on to her Facebook page, the first status that catches her eye, Y is in London.

With a frown, she opens his profile. He's gone. There's nothing I can do about it anymore. She spent the rest of the day Facebook stalking him.

Looking through the pics, she yearned for the days when they were together. How he spoiled her. How he constantly texted her. How he woke up in the middle of the night and called her because he missed her. How the first thing he did in the morning when he woke up was call her. How he tried to fix her sleep. How he texted her when he was going anywhere and what he was doing or if he thought about her. How he tried so hard to make it work. How he wouldn't give her up without a fight ...

A picture of his little siblings brought her back to reality. It was his little sister and brother. His sister had the same name as her yet he never added the 'h' like she did. She made a big deal about it, after all it was her name. Although in previous pictures he spelled it without the 'h', in this picture he had added the 'h'. Picture added yesterday. 

He signs in. She waits for a couple of minutes before chatting with him.
Hey, how are you?
Hi, I'm good. How are you? 

He's gone.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 2] didn't know it was my favorite song? What kind of permanent girlfriend are you!
What the hell is a permanent girlfriend...?
I don't know I just made it up. It could, however, mean a girl who I consider to be close to me no matter what the current circumstances are.
I love how we just exist, she said sarcastically and full of contempt.
Well it's a comfortable relationship, he said matter-of-fact-ly.

She got angry at his overbearance and nonchalance.
Why didn't this mean anything to him? Why wasn't he serious? Why couldn't he at least try and fix it with me? If we aren't over, then why aren't we together?!

Is it because there are no strings attached? Or because we don't talk? Or because it's long distance?
No strings attached is always good. We don't talk unless we have something to talk about and we manage to communicate without words effectively aaaand it's not long distance all the time.

He was so, what was the word? ...practical? Why did he make it seem like she was just another thing to scratch out on his to-do list. And his stoic-ness! His cool was simply infuriating! 

So what's going to happen?
I told you, I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know? I have to know.
I can't have you as a friend.
There's an obvious solution to that problem.
Oh yeah? Please point it out to the blonde me.
How about this, how about I see you tomorrow and we talk about it then? Sound good?
Just believe me on this, okay?
Why aren't you listening to a word I say? Listen to me.
I'm listening.
The friends thing isn't going to work, obviously and I don't want anything else to happen... We aren't together Y. I can't just pretend we are.
First of all, there's no reason why we can't be friends and there's no reason why you can't see me as a friend. That's first of all. Secondly, we may not be formally together but will it make it any better if we were? Will it make it any better if I told you now, Ex I wanna get back together with you? No, it won't. But we still feel this attraction between us. I've felt it ever since I started talking to you as my girl. Sure, it was on and off at times, but it has withstood more than a year so why the fuck are you telling me to deny it? Why are you telling me that we should deny ourselves what we already have? We owe it to ourselves to make the most of these few rare opportunities but again, it's your choice and I don't want to pressure you. If I'm not going to see you tomorrow night, I'll be upset but I won't lose you over it.

Being a man of little words, his long speech caught her completely off guard. Her body froze and the confusion had mounted up to the point where she couldn't feel anything anymore. Her heart stopped sinking, stopped pounding. She had to listen closely to feel the dull thumps once again. 

Why does he insist on this...this confusion! I can't deal with the grey anymore, I want everything in black and white. Crystal clear. Why is he doing this to me? He knows exactly how I feel...

You know I still have feelings for you, you know that I would take you back in a heartbeat, you know all that. I don't need to remind you. It's just I can't take the hurt anymore. I'm sick of the drama. I repeat, I don't know.
No pressure.

[P.S. If any of you might have noticed, I used a lot of words the wrong way (whether in meaning, grammatically incorrect-ness or sentence structure) just for the sake of wanting to use them so please excuse that]

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Vested Interest [Part 1]

...maybe it's why we are still attached somehow? I've been attached to you since ever... Maybe not consciously but definitely every now and then I think of you and miss you and wish things were different. What I'm saying is, we owe it to ourselves to fulfill this.
But then what? You'll leave and we break up and you want me to go through that again?
Then we see how we feel... I'll leave that's for sure, we don't have to break up. We can have this thing going on for years without any problems.
I can't do the long distance thing.
I think we can have what Facebook calls an open relationship.
I don't think I can handle that.
I don't expect you to.

She just couldn't take it anymore. He was toying around with her emotions, being too much of a coward to say what he really wanted. She lost it.

Then what are you expecting? What do you want to do? What is asked of me? I don't understand what you want and how you want us to do this. I want to act on instinct and follow my heart but I can't. You know exactly how I feel.
I don't know either.
This is getting nowhere. How about we talk this later? I'm just not feeling up for this, too sleepy.

She left it at that. She couldn't bear to be anymore vulnerable than she already was. She could feel the tears staining her cheeks.


...I have to think about this. I mean I'll see you as what? That's the question. What are we?
Don't think about that. It's easier if you don't.
I have to.
No you don't. You can just forget about it.
I don't want to get hurt. What about when you leave, I don't want to go through that again...
Neither do I.
Then what?
I don't know. It will figure itself out. Listen don't think too hard about it because thinking too deep into anything will eventually ruin it and sometimes you just have to follow your intuition. Sometimes you have to follow your heart...
I don't know...
Anyway you know that you can always come to me as a friend even if you don't want to come to me as my girl... You will always have at least a friend in me.
This sucks.


Sitting around a fire in a big tent-like room full of women constantly chattering about one thing or the other. Coffee, chocolate and sweets are being passed around. Talk gets interrupted with a laugh, maybe a couple of giggles...

She sighed and looked at the time, 10.35 PM. I want to go home! Her aunt was next to her and according to the expression on her face, she wasn't at all pleased where she was. "Let's go wash up or something." Immediately getting up, her phone rings. Her aunt gives her a look that she doesn't notice.

Y is calling...

She gets up and leaves the tent, hearing the dull clickety-clack of her grey suede boots against the pavement. She answers him while making her way to the playground. After the small-talk, he asked if she was busy. 

No, I was looking for an excuse to leave. I needed a break.
You make it sound like it's work, to take a break from it!
Believe me, it is.

Awkward silence...

So uh why'd you call me?

Immediately after saying it she regretted it. She wasn't a very tactful person.

Ouch! Can't I say hi to you?
It's not that...
I just wanted to say hi.

Awkward silence. She looked at her reflection in the glass doors of an empty room. Long black sweater, tight purple skinny jeans... She sat down on one of the empty swings.

Ummm so I'm hoping you don't always go out two nights in a row...
Getting to the point? Took you long enough.
Actually, I have this thing tomorrow. Look, I have to go. We'll talk about this later, yeah?
Okay okay bye.

I'll deal with this later.
She took a deep breath and got up from the swings. While walking to the tent, she wondered if they were done discussing Flana's engagement.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

SUS - Part [1]

The other day while I was sending an e-mail to one of my classmates about my Calculus 101 class, this random guy starts talking to me. 

Completing neglecting the whole "Hi, how are you?" he skips to"Your taste in music, who influenced you?".

I'm guessing he saw my favorite music in one profile or another. When I told him I was never influenced that I just fell into them, he goes on to say "No way you can't come up with some of the names yourself. Was it an older brother or sister? Who is it?". 

Being the eldest, I obviously don't have an older brother nor sister, and as I was telling him that...
"An 18 year old must have been introduced to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd. So who was it?"
"No one!"
"You're kidding me."
"Why would I 'kid'? I was never 'introduced' to them either."
"How did you come to like Pink Floyd? Tell me the story."
"There is no story."
"What's the first song you liked?"
"Bike - if you are still talking about Pink Floyd."
"Do you understand the song? It's so dark ... Syd wrote it on an acid trip."
"I don't think it's that dark."
"It's so dark and hopeless."
"Maybe it has a deeper meaning. Whatever. So you're a music junkie I presume?"
"Not a junkie but I understand music. All Pink Floyd songs have a deeper meaning. It took me 2 years to like them and 4 years to understand them. Pink Floyd is the most difficult band."
"But I don't think they should be studied."
"They should be studied. There are books to explain the lyrics."
"Different songs mean different things to different people." (How about I learn a synonym for different? haha)
"Well, Pink Floyd wrote poetry not lyrics and instrumentally they played progressive classic rock - the hardest type."
"I guess I'm not into that, reading in between the lines and over-analyzing songs and lyrics."
"Lol, it's okay. You're ''bta3 kollo'' in your taste."
"Not really."
"My advice is to stay away from Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin, that's all. They'll fuck up your life
easily. Led Zeppelin are philosophers."
"If you'll let them. -_-" (Here I was kind of getting bored of the whole high and mighty thing he had going on)
"So are Pink Floyd, both are too dark. If you take them seriously you'll have no choice. Jimmy Pages favourite subject to read is satanism. Stick to Pop."
"Sure." (obvious sarcasm, not?)
"Good. Take them off your profile too, they would attract only depressive maniacs to add you." (Like you?)
"I was being sarcastic. I enjoy their songs."
"Stay away from classic rock please. It's not for you."
"How can you say that?"
"Fuck me, you're the type that would jump off a cliff if advised not to."
"You don't even know me so you don't know what's 'for' me and what's not."
You don't have permission to chat with this person.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Wednesday 17th of December
Six days before the end of us
5.00 PM

Curled up in her bed with her fat duvet watching an episode of one of her many series, she thought of next week. Next monday. She never got this excited about anything before and yet every time she merely thought of it she could swear she felt her heart sink. Interrupting her thoughts, the sound of the messenger brought her back to reality. Putting her laptop on her lap, she realized it was Pink. Her heart sank a bit more. After a bit of small talk, he asked what she was doing today. She gave him the whole "I hate wednesdays" talk. She never could answer a question that simple, could she?

Pink asked to pick her up, just take her for a drive around. She would have usually said no, being a Wednesday and all, but something told her to go for it. 
"I'll think about it"
"I'll give you till 7 and I'm coming to get you"
"I'll think about it"
"There's nothing to think about"
"What about monday?"
"It can still go as planned, I'm not going to change anything"
"Alright then."

Seeing as it was only 5, she tried to get back to her show. For some reason, she couldn't get herself to concentrate on what was happening. She kept blanking out. She regretted not sleeping enough the night before. Getting up, she went to sit with her parents. Her mother and father were having tea in front of the TV. Finding a comfortable place next to her father, she sat down and listened to her dad talking on the phone. Something about the family. Her mother was quietly watching her usual show. 

She loved the fact that she didn't have to say anything. She could just sit there quietly and feel the love. Being all cozy and warm, she fell into an uneasy sleep. Her phone lit up and vibrated again and again. She was too tired to notice. It finally fell to the floor and kept vibrating. The noise was enough to wake her. She got up. The lights had been turned off and she was covered with one of her mother's large shawls. As she sat up, she wondered what time it was. Grabbing her phone, she remembered P. Shit! It was 7.30!

Checking her phone, there were 7 missed calls - 5 from P and 2 from her mother. She called her mother who had just wanted to make sure she didn't oversleep. She immediately called P. He told her he didn't leave the house, that he knew she had fallen asleep. 

"I'm sorry. It's still early though.."
"Don't worry about it, I'm on my way."

Getting up to change, she looked at the mirror. Her eyes were pink, her face was a pale yellow, and her hair was nothing short of a mess. I promised. She didn't feel like dressing up. She didn't have to anyway. After all, it was just him. She opened her closet and got out a light pink top with her white jeans. Heels or flats? She picked up her brown suede flats with no hesitance. As she changed, she realized it was freezing! I can't go out like this. Reluctantly, she put on her warm brown cardigan. Quickly putting on some makeup, a dash of pink lipstick and some mascara - she was ready to go. A couple of minutes later, P called. She checked her reflection one more time. Pale face, eyebrows raised, pink lips, no smile and a completely stoic expression. She went down. She was ready.


10.00 PM
The same day
After coming home.

Nobody was home yet. She quickly made her way to her room. She put her purse on the dresser and quickly glanced at the mirror. Her lips were bare, her face had a natural flush, her nose was red from the cold and there was a smile she just couldn't hide.

She left everything and went to take a hot bath. Half an hour later, she checked her phone 2 missed calls, 1 new message - "Just wanted to make sure you're okay". She smiled. I am now.

Sunday, January 11, 2009


Her pale face was made even paler with the light from the laptop. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed with papers, notebooks, and books all around her. She stopped typing, bit her bottom lip and took a sip of the now cold tea. She stared at it and wondered how long has it been there. 

Putting it back, she couldn't stop her thoughts from wondering... What was he doing? Was he talking to her?  She let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. Okay, okay she was going to do this! She went back to her laptop and stared for a while. The clothing industry promotes such ideas as fashion blah blah blah...

She thought she deserved a little break. She clicked on her instant messaging program and signed in. He wasn't on. Gives me more time to work. She opened her paper and started rambling on again. Thus exploiting people who are enthusiastic about such trends... 

Okay, now what? Surely another break? She opened her iTunes and opened his playlist. She could almost feel her heart sinking. Shuffling through the playlist, she settled on her favorite song which was his favorite as well - no shocker there. 

She could feel herself getting nostalgic. She wanted him back. She thought she was over him. She ended it, didn't she? Of course she was over him, she just missed him tis all. It was natural after all, they have been together for a while... She told herself, trying to justify her feelings. 

Now facing the laptop again, she wanted to just give up. She couldn't write, not the way her mind was focusing on nothing else but him. She got up, figured she'd get a caffeine refill maybe that will wake her up a bit. She took her phone with her.

While waiting for the water to boil, she opened her messages and started reading messages from before. She read two messages and couldn't read anymore. She could feel her eyes tearing. No, she didn't need this. Not now. She finished making her tea and went back to her room. 

Facing her laptop again, she tried to think of all the points she hasn't mentioned. Five minutes into writing, her phone rang. It was her. She gave it a long stare and decided not to answer. She put her phone on silent and left it on her side table.

She felt lonely, that was for sure but she knew she could do it. She didn't need him nor her. She didn't need anybody.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009


To say that I was shocked beyond words would be quite an understatement. To say that everything in my life is changing drastically would be yet another understatement.

This past week has been the roughest yet. From the very first day, bright and early up until what's to happen today. I have a feeling that it will be more than I anticipated.

A follow-up for my last post, I did exactly what I did not think I would do. I confronted her. Told her what I needed her to hear and everything I felt that had to be said. As a result of my candor, I received the shock of my life as an excuse as to why she hasn't been my best friend for the past year. I don't know what to do about it, I don't know how to react. I'm just choosing to slowly digest this information and just not do anything till I am over the shock.

Sunday, January 04, 2009


I don't know if I'm still being punished for what I did more than a year ago. You knew that I had your best interests at heart. Believe me, if I hadn't done what I did then - we would not be friends let alone best friends now. 

You know you mean everything to me yet you always act like I don't appreciate you. You know I'll spend hours convincing my parents to ditch a family gathering just so I could spend a couple of hours with you before you leave to the airport. I always call you yet you always manage to put me on hold or just manage to avoid talking to me. Then you get mad when I don't call or ask about you when in reality, you don't either. 

I don't want to blame everything on her because I know it's not her fault now. I just wish you would be more like the best friend I had. Cliche, I know, but you changed and there's nothing I can do to change you back. I hate how you expect me to drop everything and come running every time you need me yet you are reluctant to do the same. I hate how you think that you are still being my best friend when in fact you are anything but. Maybe I'm being a bit harsh but I'm sick of this feeling.

You always manage to make me feel like I don't care and that I'm indifferent about you not being here when I know that you know that I couldn't possibly do anything else to try and keep in touch all the time! It sucks that you know nothing about my everyday uni life when I know everything about yours. It sucks that I have to try to make conversation every time we do talk on the phone or online.

The fact that I hate talking about this makes it much worse...


She wakes up to find darkness all around her. Everything is exactly where she left them but somehow colder. She contemplates staying in bed for a couple more hours, till tomorrow morning maybe but thinks better of it. Gets up and checks her phone. 1 missed call and 1 new message. Her heart beats start beating faster. She doesn't know what to expect. The missed call is from a classmate and she quickly finds out the message is from her too... With a deep sigh she convinces herself to get up. She hates how there isn't anyone to fight with about taking cough syrup, a spoon of honey, and Aspirin. 

After having her tea with milk, she starts working on her assignments. Having a short attention span; she was bored 5 minutes into her research. She misses having someone to give her a pep talk and just being there with her while she worked. She always refused help but just the fact that they were there counts. Moral support, she thought. She quickly gave up doing her assignments and left the library/office to go watch her DVDs in her room.

On her way she thought of all the times he was there but not really there. How he convinced her into almost everything. Her assignments, family gatherings, even when she wasn't up to see her friends but had to. A little laugh was all it took. Taking out Disk One of OTH Season 4, she heard her phone vibrating on the bed. Curious as to who it might be, she hurriedly opened the message.

Hey, how is everything? How were your exams? ...

Her heart starts racing again. Did I send a message and somehow manage to forget? Maybe I called by accident or something?! 

After more than 3 weeks of nothing, she eventually gave up thinking he'll come back. She was almost okay with it as well, seeing as it was mostly her fault. She even got over the fact that they will never go back like they were to her - just friends.

She immediately calls, she couldn't have stopped herself if she wanted.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Year 2009

So it's the first day of 2009 and how do I feel? Well lousy to say the least.

My 2008 Resolutions:

1. Stop obsessing over the little stuff (X)
2. Read more (X)
3. Start jamil-ing people (Y)
4. Stop caring about people who don't care back (Y)
5. Be nice to people I don't know (Y)
6. Stop over-analyzing situations (Y)
7. Find out what I want to major in and where (Y)
8. Love only those who love back (Y)
9. Sleep less (X)
10. Give face to people I don't like (Y)
11. Learn how to be patient (X)
12. Stop being hesitant (Y)
13. Move on (Y)
14. Stop hating people I don't know.. (X)
15. Do good this year inshallah (Y)
16. Not regret anything I do (Y)
17. Learn from my mistakes (Y)

I think 12/17 is good enough, at least for me.

My 2009 New Years Resolutions:

(1) Spend more time with my family
(2) Stop losing my temper at the slightest thing
(3) Study and work harder
(4) Do my internship
(5) Get a high GPA
(6) Keep in contact with all my friends especially NJ
(7) Stop looking for him

If you haven't noticed, I have a thing for number 7.

...and a happy new year -_-