Hypothetically

Her pale face was made even paler with the light from the laptop. She was sitting cross-legged on her bed with papers, notebooks, and books all around her. She stopped typing, bit her bottom lip and took a sip of the now cold tea. She stared at it and wondered how long has it been there. 

Putting it back, she couldn't stop her thoughts from wondering... What was he doing? Was he talking to her?  She let out a long sigh and ran her fingers through her hair. Okay, okay she was going to do this! She went back to her laptop and stared for a while. The clothing industry promotes such ideas as fashion blah blah blah...

She thought she deserved a little break. She clicked on her instant messaging program and signed in. He wasn't on. Gives me more time to work. She opened her paper and started rambling on again. Thus exploiting people who are enthusiastic about such trends... 

Okay, now what? Surely another break? She opened her iTunes and opened his playlist. She could almost feel her heart sinking. Shuffling through the playlist, she settled on her favorite song which was his favorite as well - no shocker there. 

She could feel herself getting nostalgic. She wanted him back. She thought she was over him. She ended it, didn't she? Of course she was over him, she just missed him tis all. It was natural after all, they have been together for a while... She told herself, trying to justify her feelings. 

Now facing the laptop again, she wanted to just give up. She couldn't write, not the way her mind was focusing on nothing else but him. She got up, figured she'd get a caffeine refill maybe that will wake her up a bit. She took her phone with her.

While waiting for the water to boil, she opened her messages and started reading messages from before. She read two messages and couldn't read anymore. She could feel her eyes tearing. No, she didn't need this. Not now. She finished making her tea and went back to her room. 

Facing her laptop again, she tried to think of all the points she hasn't mentioned. Five minutes into writing, her phone rang. It was her. She gave it a long stare and decided not to answer. She put her phone on silent and left it on her side table.

She felt lonely, that was for sure but she knew she could do it. She didn't need him nor her. She didn't need anybody.

Officially

Today was an emotional roller-coaster for me. From the morning up until now. Oddly, it was just "official" an hour ago, I don't even want to start. I'm sick of discussing it and thinking about it. This has just gone on for too long.

I don't regret what we had - I promise...

It's Over

I can officially say it's over. I can't say that I feel good but at the same time I don't exactly feel bad about it. I don't regret it as much as I thought I did, which is good. I guess...

It was awful though, I wasn't expecting a perfect break-up, if there is such a thing anyway, but I really wasn't expecting his reaction to be like this. Obviously, he isn't supposed to be pleased but he isn't supposed to get all defensive and weird. Seriously, I never saw him like this and believe me that's saying a lot. All that is irrelevant though, I can finally say I'm single and actually mean it.

If I didn't take a step forward and end it when I did then this would have dragged on for much longer and someone was bound to get hurt. By someone, I mean nobody else except me.

I'm grateful for all my friends that were there for me; the ones that knew what was going on, and the ones that didn't. I thank god that I have friends that helped me go through tough decisions and stuff like this.

Last but not least, I just want to say thank you for saying this: "I have nothing to say to you". I don't know which is more sad, that you actually meant it or that after two years this is all you have to say to me...

Really?

When you're too in love to let it go..

For some apparent reason, this is so much more complicated than I ever thought it could be. I had it all planned out and I even had a deadline for myself. Yet it didn't go according to plan AT ALL. It kept getting so ridiculously complicated and it was harder to stick to my decision but I think I did. I mean I don't even know how to explain what happened except that all of a sudden two of my friends are involved for some reason and the concerned party did not even get the message. Call it thick, slow, or whatever you have in mind but that's what it is.

What ever happened to the simple two words? The last I remember, those words were effective. I tried them yet needless to say, the results are not promising. 

Fix You - Coldplay

(You know how you keep playing the same song over and over and over and yet can't seem to get enough of it? Especially since it's perfect for your situation or whatever? Yeah that's me and this song..)

This is a sign..

Something "slight" happened yesterday which made my decision quite clear. I finally figured out what I want despite my reluctance to do what I have to. I hate the feeling. I can't really describe it but I can tell you it feels like your heart is heavy, like you're carrying around a burden..

What hurt the most was when I opened my browser today and on my Yahoo page, smack down in the middle was this article "Advice on Ending Your Relationship for Good". I am a firm believer in signs and this is yet another sign that is CLEARING the path up to my decision.

I have thought about this for the last 6+ months but only recently (the past week and a half) have I seriously considered it. But there it is, and I'm feeling okay about it. I just don't want to do it, I want someone to do it for me.. Please? I will give them cookies, I promise.

One Final Chance or a Series of "Last Chances"?

I have made my decision today. To give you one last chance. While part of me knows I'm making a mistake and that I will regret this eventually but I don't want to give up on you. At least not yet. I'm trying not to be as naive and stupid as last time so as to not get disappointed and/or hurt. I'm trying to trust you but you need to earn my trust because it's already hard for me to do this, again (might I add). For what it's worth, you mean a lot to me and I just can't give up on you that easily. I hate that even when I decided to end the whole thing that I couldn't 't do it. That made me feel weak.

And now that everything is in black and white, I can finally move on with my life..

(Why am I still not okay with how it is?)

Too little, too late.

Fat horizontal pink-white stripes on top of thin vertical purple stripes interrupted with some grey..

I'm waiting for you to call. To explain. You aren't going to or maybe you are? I can't tell anymore. I never know with you. You've always disappointed me. Yet, I don't know why I still believe in you. Or believe you for that matter. I guess it's one of those things that I can't choose not to do. That sucks.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. That's all I seem to be getting from you. What do I want besides the truth - how about maybe a simple explanation? You seem to have some absurd idea that I'm high maintenance or that I ask for a lot. I'm not and I don't. YOU, on the other hand, sometimes are. It takes so much energy and patience to put up with you. Put up with might sound a bit harsh but at the moment it's the only word I have in mind. However, sometimes it's nought but the truth.

I hate that all I ever did for you has gone by unnoticed. I hate that you don't make me a priority. I hate that you always jokingly accuse me of not caring. I, sometimes, even hate you. It took so much consideration and thought for me to just do this all over again. And I'm sorry to say that I regret it. And I hate regretting things that I've done.

Thank god you know I'm mad at you. And that I might not talk to you anytime soon. Thank god that you are so ashamed of yourself that you can't even call me. I'm not enjoying this, believe me I'm not. I'm just glad that you have finally come around.

Lime green thin stripes on top of all the greyish-purple stripes..

Too little, too late.

Things are different now. So much stuff in my life have changed. It's amazing how you think you're going to come back and find me exactly the same.

I look different. I have long hair. I wear glasses. My style changed. If you were just to sit and compare..

I was even much more different back then. But you never noticed and never asked. I don't know why that didn't tip me off. I guess I never cared, I only seemed to cared about you.

It's sad that I always asked about you and you never asked about me.
It's sad that you left the country and never told me. You left me worried sick and when you found out you laughed. I didn't seem to care about that either. I stuck with you all the way till the end.
It's also sad that you came back and didn't bother to tell me either. I found out by accident. I repeat by accident. Again I ignored that little detail and just welcomed you home.

But then you disappeared. And when I say disappeared I mean vanished for a while. I just kept telling myself that maybe something happened, maybe you got super busy, maybe you didn't have time etc. Then I just couldn't handle it. I gave myself the green light. I was done. I really did want to end it but you weren't there. So I ended it in my head. I even started to get over it. Yet the minute I took that step forward, you came running along. As if you knew.

It's weird that you aren't a priority anymore. I stopped wondering, caring, even thinking about you. I'm at a loss. I don't know what is going to happen. What I know is that at the moment I can't be with you. Let's try being friends. That might work. At least better than what we have going..

Thin stripes in all shades of pink over thick red and orange stripes..