Saturday, February 28, 2009

Unintentional [Part 6] - Un Ange Passe


She stared at her phone for a minute. She could feel her heart throbbing. She couldn't see or hear anymore. Sitting down, she dialed the number she still remembered without thinking twice.

He sounded worried. She had missed his voice. She felt her heart breaking at the sound of his voice.
How are you? Are you okay?
I'm okay. How are you?
I'm okay too.

With the formalities out of the way, there was an awkward silence. One she wasn't about to break. She was quietly listening to him breathing softly. She knew he had a lot to say but needed time to say them.

How's Uni?
It's okay, how's work?
It's okay.

Can I ask you something?
This was it...
Why what?
Don't play games Ex. I want to know.
She sighed.
Tell me.
Her eyes started watering immediately.

Did you get engaged or something? Did someone find out about us? Are you with someone else?!

She tried to stop crying and answer his question but it just caught her off guard. Why else would he have called? She needed to calm down and answer him. The answer she had been putting at the back of her head all this time, the one she never wanted to tell anyone, lest of all to him. He doesn't deserve this. Her tears were falling, she was crying quietly. Yet he was too angry to notice.

I know you don't want to tell me Ex. But I need to know. And I think I've waited long enough.
Okay, okay. I'm going to tell you, just give me time to breathe.
I've given you way too much time, I can't wait any longer. Tell me.
It's just...I mean you know about me and my -ex, right? I was barely single for a few weeks till you declared us together. And you just assumed that I was okay with it. I'm sorry I know you don't deserve this or me but I can't be in a relationship with you.
I thought you were over him.
I was over him but I never wanted anything more with you... I thought we were close friends and that's it. You always wanted more and I just couldn't give it to you! I couldn't be that person for you and you knew it all along yet you kept pushing me...Just because I'm single now doesn't change anything.
Do you want to be with me?
It's not like that.
Ex, answer the question.
I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! Stop asking me and stop pushing me. I know you don't deserve this and I don't deserve you. But you got to stop pressuring me.
Just answer the question. I'm done with discussing this with you.
I don't know. Maybe. Not now? I don't know.
Alright then.


He always managed to leave things unsettled.

So what now? Are we going to be friends? Are we not going to talk ever again? Dammit, are we together?!

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Unintentional [Part 5] - X,Y, & Z

(Still Reminscing)...

She looks at her phone.
16 Missed Calls

Her phone started ringing again. Without looking at it, she silenced it and put it under her pillow. This is how it was going to be. She couldn't risk talking to him. At least not now. He stopped calling and started sending messages. She deleted them without even reading them.
I can't keep playing with his feelings. I can't be with him. I don't want to. He doesn't deserve me, he needs someone who loves him back. I don't. Her tears started falling. The more she cried, the more she hurt more. I can't believe I'm doing this. He needs me. I need him! At this point, she had no more tears left and was just sobbing. Pretty soon, she was under her warm duvet and fast asleep.


The days passed. Days, weeks, and now months. She had thought with time it would get easier yet it was just the opposite; the more time that passed the more she missed him. At first she couldn't stop thinking about him, about him waking up with no message from her. No mid-morning messages either. No calls during her lunch hour. They usually talked on their way back home – him from work and her from Uni. Her sleep got messed up after a while. She slept after Uni and there was no wake up call from him. She lost track of everything; her projects, quizzes, and assignments. She felt so lost at Uni, between her friends, and even her family. When she got angry and needed him to calm her down yet he obviously wasn't there. She would burst out crying just at the thought. She hated that she was so dependent on him! To think that he had taken over her world would be an understatement. He had always told her that he was with her and there for her. Always. How could I do this? How could I throw away the most important thing in my life?! What I needed and still need the most!

He had cared so much about her. He knew her class schedule by heart. He knew her instructors and professors – which ones she loved and the ones she hated the most. He knew her marks in every class and on every assignment. He knew her Uni friends, school friends, and the ones that were abroad. There was no part of her life which he wasn't included in and none of which she hid from him. He was her everything.


It came to a point where they were completely out of each others' lives. He had stopped calling and messaging her. He had even blocked and deleted her off his messenger. It was like a slap on the face when she saw that but she knew there was nothing she could do to make it better. She couldn't call him, she just couldn't - what was she supposed to say? I can't be with you because I don't love you and that is why I'm doing this? In her opinion, this would hurt him much less.

At the back of her mind, she knew he couldn't keep away. That this was just a phase. He was inevitably going to call her.
He has to call, I mean he doesn't even know why! The thought alone was a comfort to her. She knew if he called it would only to ask for an explanation and she hoped she would be ready to tell him.

Eventually, she had gotten used to the emptiness. She didn't check her phone every 5 minutes. She didn't even bother charging it anymore and more than once she purposely left it at home when she went out. She deleted all his messages and was going to delete his number but what would be the point when she had it memorized?

With time, she almost forgot about him. He was just a shining memory in her past. There were times when she would remember his voice, laugh, and hidden smiles. But they were too subtle to bring her out of her world where she has gone too deeply into denial. She had thrown herself at her studies; studied her heart out, worked on her projects and put way too much effort in her school work. When she wasn't working, she went out with friends she hardly even cared about. Not even friends but acquaintances. People who she just started hanging out with for the sake of wasting time.


It was 5 PM. Her parents were taking their usual after-afternoon nap. She had just came home from an early-dinner/late-lunch with the girls. Tiptoeing her way to her room, she could feel her phone vibrating in her purse. She didn't bother taking it out. Who could it be? Nobody calls her anymore. It's probably one of the girls, she might want something.
I couldn't care less.

After taking off her shiny black YSL stilletoes, she threw herself on her bed. She cuddled up under her colorful blanket and was ready to fall asleep when she remembered her phone. Lazily getting up, she got her phone from her bag and flipped it open.

1 missed call.

It was him.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Unintentional [Part 4] - Ambivalence

Just because it is doesn't mean it should be.

The rush of emotions had her reminscing; remembering what she had done to him before...


She had woken up that day with a hollow feeling in her stomach. Dread. She just knew she had to do it. And today was going to be the day. It would hurt him, but there was nothing else she could do.

Her birthday was coming up and he was trying to think of a way to find out what she wanted. His attempts were very subtle yet she quickly knew what he was doing and made it very clear that she didn't want anything.

I don't want you to get me anything for my birthday.
Why not?
Because. Just please don't.
I don't understand, why I can't get you something?
This is what I want. I really won't like it if you get me something.

He seemed oblivious to the fact that she couldn't accept anything from him because she wasn't with him. She couldn't bear the idea of him getting her something. That would make them official and they weren't. At least not to her. She just couldn't remember when they decided they were together. Trying desperately to remember when they decided to be an item; she couldn't stop thinking.

How did I get into this? How the hell do I get out? I do care a lot about him but I just can't be with anyone right now. It's way too much to ask of me.

She had been rejecting him for so long yet he wasn't one to give up. Maybe he thought that because they haven't been talking about it that she was finally okay with it? She didn't know, all that she knew was that she needed to get out of this fix.

Anyway babe, how was your day? Did you fight with anyone?
Actually no, I didn't.
Well that's reassuring.
If they weren't so stupid I wouldn't get into any fights in the first place!
Stubborn much?
I am not.
Yes sweetie you are.
I am anything but. Besides I really just gave up trying to get along with people. It's not my fault they are all incompetent!
That's one way to look at it, he said laughing.
Oh you find this amusing, don't you?
Actually, I find you amusing.
Your face is amusing.
He burst out laughing at her childishness.

How am I amusing? I thought you said I was the most boring-est person in the world.
You can't say 'most' with a word ending in -est. There is no such thing as boring-est anyway.
Finally, there's the Ex I know!
I can't help it if I'm a nerd and you have bad grammar, she said haughtily.
Best nerd ever...
Stop what!
Just stop it.
But I don't want to.
I know you don't that's what I am asking you to stop. 
Listen, can I call you back in a second?

She knew she had to do it. She waited till he called her back. Her phone rang a while later and staring at the screen she sighed. It was time. She couldn't understand why or how it seemed like the right time to her. To her, it just felt like it had to be done at that very moment. He called again and again and she didn't answer him till she had typed up a decent message explaining.

I can't answer your calls nor messages, I just can't deal with all that right now. I can't be with you, I just can't. I'm sorry, I really don't mean to hurt you and I know you don't deserve this. You're the sweetest person I know and you deserve to be with someone who loves you and deserves you. I'm really am sorry.

He quickly replied 'Why? What happened? Answer me'. He didn't give up that easily, she knew he wouldn't stop calling or texting her. She couldn't bring herself to answer him knowing that he would convince her out of it. He had that effect on her.


With that incident clearly in mind, she couldn't help but wonder why he was even putting up with her let alone telling her he loved her.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Unintentional [Part 3] - Futility

Sitting with her mother watching Dr. Phil, she heard her phone ringing in the adjacent room. She got up, wondering who it was. Before getting to her phone, she suspected it was him.

How was your weekend?
It was fine.
Did you eat?
Ummm no actually...
Yeah yeah I know it's just that my sleep is all messed up and I went to Uni without sleeping and-
You didn't sleep yesterday?
No, I couldn't.
Why not?!
I don't know and I was so tired, I don't know what was wrong with me.
Why couldn't you sleep? What were you doing?
Nothing, I told you I don't know why. I just couldn't.
What do you mean you dont know?!
Why are you doing this? Why don't care about yourself?! What do I have to remind you to sleep, eat, wake up, study?

He kept interrogating her like she was his wife or something.  He wouldn't stop and wouldn't let her get a word in. She didn't understand why he was so mad. She couldn't take all the yelling anymore. She yelled,

STOP IT! Why are you yelling at me? I'm not a child, I know what I'm doing. What the hell!

You always do this to me, I was fine a couple of minutes ago but you just had to come and mess up my mood like you always do. WHY DO YOU CARE ANYWAY!

I hate it. It's like your my mother or something. It's not like I don't get this from her already. I mean your acting like I WANTED TO STAY UP THE WHOLE NIGHT because that's cool right and blacking out is even cooler, isnt it?

I'm sick of the way you treat me. I am not a child!


I'm sorry.
X, come on!
I don't want to.
You don't want to what?
I don't know, I just don't want to.
He started laughing.
Why are you laughing? ITS NOT FUNNY!
His laughing got louder.
Come on, stop it. 
I'm serious stop!
He tried to muffle his laughs but failed miserably.
Hehe it's not that funny.
She couldn't help but join in.
You suck.
I know.
No no, you suck BIG TIME.
I know, I know.
Good. Where are you?
Yeah okaaaaay.
Alright alright I got it.
He laughed.
You really are something.

Ending the call, she couldn't help but feel uneasy about the situation. What has she gotten herself into? She hopes she isn't in too deep but knowing him, she probably was. This time it wasn't her fault, she had made everything crystal clear, he knew the rules, and he knew what he was getting himself into. 

35 minutes later. Her phone indicated one new message:
I love you ..

She felt a rush of emotions all at once. Happiness, anger, regret and sadness.  He can't do this to me, he just can't. She was going to fight it, fight the feeling that overwhelmed her.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Unintentional [Part 2]

Unintentional [Part 1]

"Vanity, not love, has been my folly."
- Elizabeth Bennet (Pride and Prejudice)

It was awkward at first, but  it only took a couple of minutes to find their dynamic. She told him about her Mid-Terms, projects, and assignments. She was excited to tell him about her two research papers that she had to do, what she chose, and what she was going to claim. She told him about the book she's reading, and what shows she's watching. She told him about how she got into a fight with one of her Professors, and how she got another one mad at her because she refused to work with a group. How she sent a long e-mail to the head of department because they made her write an essay about a topic which was sexually discriminatory and she refused to do the assignment. She told him about where she went out and with who. She gave him the names of all the girls she recently started hanging out with.

She felt the need to tell him everything even the little details. With more than a month apart from him, she finally felt the feeling of emptiness he had caused by leaving. By her pushing him away... It was all her fault really, she couldn't blame him. He wasn't a constant part of her life like he was before. She wanted it this way, it was better. She wouldn't let him get too close and he wouldn't try to either. That way nobody would get hurt. It was only a few calls here and there. Always from his side, never her. 

Hey pretty girl, sleep tight.

She couldn't help but smile knowing that he had her back and would always be there for her even though they weren't as close nor even friends.