Derelict ships

Image Source

I miss you.

In this day and age, cliché but appropriate, technology really minimizes distance. I appreciate it yet loathe it even more. Bipolar but completely rational.

I hate BBM and I hate communicating with you through it. Ironically, it turns us into such haters. Hating on our social circle or -to put it correctly, social circles of the past- isn't quite fun anymore. It makes us petty and shallow. Long gone were the days when we would be critical and fair not just attacking and judging their actions.

I do understand people grow up and move on but it is quite difficult to do that when you are in exactly the same place, surrounded by almost the same people.

Socializing was always deemed to be the problem yet I cannot for the life of me determine how to go on about it.

Nostalgia is what saddens me most out of all this. Our teenage memories full of frivolous fun, cake, and little themed outings is what I yearn for. Our long midnight phone calls which would resolve everything by the end of it is what I miss the most.

Simply put, our friendship. The one that we had is what we have now lost. We still have a bond that is somewhat unbreakable but for some reason, not a friendship.

I guess life got in the way...

P.S. I'm still grateful for you.

Midnight Ponders.

When it comes to self-evaluation, I'm not shy. In fact, when appropriate, I will mention my strengths to others. I am proud and grateful of my, if I may say, many attributes. My weaknesses, however, are just that. Utterly weak. I am fully aware of them yet will never speak a word about them to anybody, regardless of how close.

I don't want to delve into my weaknesses and recount situations that affected me and whatnot. I only want to discuss one little weakness.

Love. Maybe not so little...
I honestly do not know whether to speak about how great it is or how it has affected me in more ways than I can ever count.

I have been in love for a little over a year and a half and as much as it has made me unbelievably happy and in love with everything around me, it has made me realize how weak and vulnerable I am.

I cannot move on with my day without him. I try to sync our schedules together. Even if we don't talk, we have to be awake at the same times. I understand that this might imply a lot of different things like how needy I am, etc. But you are just going to have to trust me on this. It is just so that I can feel we are together. I wake him up when I wake up and he does the same just so we can feel like a real couple. We talk while having dinner just like we would if we were really sitting across from each other. There is a lot of mixing and matching but it works. We do not even have to try that hard! It comes easily...

Keep in mind he doesn't live in the same city so we really cannot see each other that often.

My issue is when we travel. He might come for a weekend, get busy with family and friends. Or when I go on vacation with family, I don't have a lot of free time and cannot really "spend" time with him.

It beyond breaks my heart. I do realize how minor an issue this may seem but to me, it really is a big deal. I do not really have that many people around nor that close and it IS an issue when we are not available for each other. It saddens me beyond belief. It makes me go back to the core of it all, sharing a phone call. Not a life together, not a house, and not anything official.

It seems like I have reached a bottleneck and just cannot budge through it. I do not want to live this life of routine and family pressure. I do not want to have a telephone line connecting us. I want to give everything up and move far far away. With him.

(Note: We are on the way. It just takes time to settle things.)

Unbelievably Belated Memory.

It all started with two thirteen-year olds who sat next to each other in English class. Now English class was not a very quiet class, nor was it a class where the teacher talked a lot. It had a lot of group work and everyone was paired up in twos according to their seating. Naturally, you got to know quite a bit about the person you sat next to.

N and L were seated next to each other. They did not know each other and they didn't have the same circle of friends. However, after a while, they started talking. They talked about family, school, and they shared funny little stories. They had mutual friends and as time passed, started to hang out together in the odd little break set out originally for prayer. Eventually, their friendship panned out of the frame of the classroom. They would call each other, talking about nothing in particular or just gossip.

They were quite different from each other. N was social, she knew everybody and everybody knew her. L, on the other hand, was more shy and comfortably confined to her social circle.

In the summer of that year, N and L starting hanging out which mainly consisted of shopping. All dolled up and in high heels, makeup shopping. It was just the beginning.

It started from there and took off, birthdays were planned meticulously, phone calls never under an hour, text messages about everything and nothing, every problem was dealt with together.

As they got older, their problems increased in number and got more serious. They never budged, always there for each other. Staying up just to wait for the post-problem phone call, making the other feel better, sometimes to ask the other to interfere with a problem - make it better.

After they graduated from high school, N went abroad and L went to college at home. It was not easy to accept change, especially when it was that vehement of a change. College started and each got busy in their own lives, it was hard to keep in touch and there was a lot going on. Issues between them came up yet they overcame them all.

The great thing about their relationship was that once N came for a visit, the pieces all came together and everything made sense again. It's as if nothing has changed. However, the moment they are separated, the pieces scatter once again.

With time, like a routine, they both got used to it. They had their separate lives away from each other and yet another separate one when they were together.

Days filled with running random errands, going out for a coffee, light shopping, helping each other pick out presents, baking, staying at home, gossiping over a hot drink, watching a movie. These meant the world even if they did not really do anything meaningful. Those moments were cherished; appreciated till the next time they were together.

They might not be as close as before, but they have each other. Always there at whatever hour of the night, always just a phone call away.

Test.

Trying out mobile blogging.

I do believe it's true, that there are roads left in both of our shoes...

Regardless of what I planned, my day off was exactly the way it should be. Sure being awake from 7 A.M. isn't exactly what I had in mind but at least I got to go back under the covers and sleep just a little more. And how can anyone be anyone be upset after some good breakfast and coffee?

It's weird how I feel like saying so much but actually have nothing to say. I feel inspired and rejuvenated and all I want to do is write about stuff. Whether philosophical or lovey-dovey, I want to write.

I'm really liking this whole online diary/personal journal. It makes me want to express, period.

She was in the car on her way to her grandmother's house. Nothing out of the ordinary. But he was here. A mere couple of miles away. Not in a different city, not in another region of the country but here. She wanted to tell her driver to change routes. She wanted to see him now. She almost needed to. This kind of opportunity barely ever came along. Why was she going elsewhere anyway? She sighed in complete frustration. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be. With a lot of waiting, frustration, maybe eventually satisfaction.

Odd how life is. Spontaneous yet at times quite repetitive. Be it with routine, feelings, events, and situations. The above post was written on my journal dated November 3rd, 2009.

Scary how life throws stuff like this. Surreal really. Today was my day off and the above was the perfect description of it.

Fortuitous incidents like this do not alarm me anymore. I still do believe in signs and these occurrences merely highlight them.

That said, I would not change today either. It was perfect. Thank god for the people around me.

*Title credited to Soul Meets Body by Death Cab for Cutie.

P.S. There was eventually content.

Everything's Coming up Roses

You love him?
Getting personal, aren't we?
Just answer.
I'll take that as a yes.
I'm not comfortable with that question. Besides, what does it matter to you?
But honestly, I'm serious, how do you know if you love someone?
I'll answer that, as long as you don't make fun of how cheesy it all sounds.
Okay, okay.
Well, there's no really direct way to know, but there are some indications. Like when you get nervous and excited before you see them. When you would do anything to talk to them for just a couple of minutes. When you go out of your way for them. You know, the extra mile? When you're completely comfortable with them that you can sing anything from the top of your head. When everything you come across somehow reminds you of that person. It's the simple things, the little details. I don't know really but I think that's how you know...
I'm lucky to have found him.