Thursday, November 11, 2010

Midnight Ponders.

When it comes to self-evaluation, I'm not shy. In fact, when appropriate, I will mention my strengths to others. I am proud and grateful of my, if I may say, many attributes. My weaknesses, however, are just that. Utterly weak. I am fully aware of them yet will never speak a word about them to anybody, regardless of how close.

I don't want to delve into my weaknesses and recount situations that affected me and whatnot. I only want to discuss one little weakness.

Love. Maybe not so little...
I honestly do not know whether to speak about how great it is or how it has affected me in more ways than I can ever count.

I have been in love for a little over a year and a half and as much as it has made me unbelievably happy and in love with everything around me, it has made me realize how weak and vulnerable I am.

I cannot move on with my day without him. I try to sync our schedules together. Even if we don't talk, we have to be awake at the same times. I understand that this might imply a lot of different things like how needy I am, etc. But you are just going to have to trust me on this. It is just so that I can feel we are together. I wake him up when I wake up and he does the same just so we can feel like a real couple. We talk while having dinner just like we would if we were really sitting across from each other. There is a lot of mixing and matching but it works. We do not even have to try that hard! It comes easily...

Keep in mind he doesn't live in the same city so we really cannot see each other that often.

My issue is when we travel. He might come for a weekend, get busy with family and friends. Or when I go on vacation with family, I don't have a lot of free time and cannot really "spend" time with him.

It beyond breaks my heart. I do realize how minor an issue this may seem but to me, it really is a big deal. I do not really have that many people around nor that close and it IS an issue when we are not available for each other. It saddens me beyond belief. It makes me go back to the core of it all, sharing a phone call. Not a life together, not a house, and not anything official.

It seems like I have reached a bottleneck and just cannot budge through it. I do not want to live this life of routine and family pressure. I do not want to have a telephone line connecting us. I want to give everything up and move far far away. With him.

(Note: We are on the way. It just takes time to settle things.)


Sheroug said...

I've practically been in the same situation about a year ago.
Things will be different when you're actually together, however, I'm quite annoying when it comes to synchronizing our sleep. I don't mind spending our day apart, we both have very different interests. Yet, I like to know when I'm in my office reading he's only a holler away.
It does get easier though with time :)

I wish you all the best. It'll be worth it in the end.

Ex-clamation Mark said...

Thank you so much for this comment, it means a lot.

We have similar interests, yet it's tough synchronizing sleep and schedules. VERY tough.

It most definitely is worth it :)

Bliss said...

I totally understand the fact that you guys don't live in the same city really upsets, but honestly think about it, how many other couples have what you two have, it's really rare to find true love and do all those cute cheesy things people make fun of (and yes, i ended up being that kinda cheesy) so no matter how sad you get when thinking about not being together at the same times, just be thankful for having him in your live, it is truly a blessing!

Allah ywafigkm o yes3dkm :)

Ex-clamation Mark said...

I am truly grateful for him being in my life and wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes, however, the distance gets to you and you try to make yourself feel better (I do that through writing).

Thank you so much, Allah ysalmek x