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I miss you.

In this day and age, cliché but appropriate, technology really minimizes distance. I appreciate it yet loathe it even more. Bipolar but completely rational.

I hate BBM and I hate communicating with you through it. Ironically, it turns us into such haters. Hating on our social circle or -to put it correctly, social circles of the past- isn't quite fun anymore. It makes us petty and shallow. Long gone were the days when we would be critical and fair not just attacking and judging their actions.

I do understand people grow up and move on but it is quite difficult to do that when you are in exactly the same place, surrounded by almost the same people.

Socializing was always deemed to be the problem yet I cannot for the life of me determine how to go on about it.

Nostalgia is what saddens me most out of all this. Our teenage memories full of frivolous fun, cake, and little themed outings is what I yearn for. Our long midnight phone calls which would resolve everything by the end of it is what I miss the most.

Simply put, our friendship. The one that we had is what we have now lost. We still have a bond that is somewhat unbreakable but for some reason, not a friendship.

I guess life got in the way...

P.S. I'm still grateful for you.

Midnight Ponders.

When it comes to self-evaluation, I'm not shy. In fact, when appropriate, I will mention my strengths to others. I am proud and grateful of my, if I may say, many attributes. My weaknesses, however, are just that. Utterly weak. I am fully aware of them yet will never speak a word about them to anybody, regardless of how close.

I don't want to delve into my weaknesses and recount situations that affected me and whatnot. I only want to discuss one little weakness.

Love. Maybe not so little...
I honestly do not know whether to speak about how great it is or how it has affected me in more ways than I can ever count.

I have been in love for a little over a year and a half and as much as it has made me unbelievably happy and in love with everything around me, it has made me realize how weak and vulnerable I am.

I cannot move on with my day without him. I try to sync our schedules together. Even if we don't talk, we have to be awake at the same times. I understand that this might imply a lot of different things like how needy I am, etc. But you are just going to have to trust me on this. It is just so that I can feel we are together. I wake him up when I wake up and he does the same just so we can feel like a real couple. We talk while having dinner just like we would if we were really sitting across from each other. There is a lot of mixing and matching but it works. We do not even have to try that hard! It comes easily...

Keep in mind he doesn't live in the same city so we really cannot see each other that often.

My issue is when we travel. He might come for a weekend, get busy with family and friends. Or when I go on vacation with family, I don't have a lot of free time and cannot really "spend" time with him.

It beyond breaks my heart. I do realize how minor an issue this may seem but to me, it really is a big deal. I do not really have that many people around nor that close and it IS an issue when we are not available for each other. It saddens me beyond belief. It makes me go back to the core of it all, sharing a phone call. Not a life together, not a house, and not anything official.

It seems like I have reached a bottleneck and just cannot budge through it. I do not want to live this life of routine and family pressure. I do not want to have a telephone line connecting us. I want to give everything up and move far far away. With him.

(Note: We are on the way. It just takes time to settle things.)