Saturday, September 27, 2008

Can dreams really make you happy?

A dream is a wish your heart makes..
I hate that I had never had a dream to follow after high school. I knew I wanted to go to college but I never had the whole dream thing. You always hear people saying “Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be an engineer (doctor, interior designer, lawyer, etc.)”. And they would complete the story by talking about their college and how they had always dreamed about going and eventually lived up to that dream. Oddly, it makes me jealous to have never had a dream to be able to put it in action or to work for.

Even the college I chose, I didn’t really choose but sort of fell into. I use fell into for lack of a better way to describe the situation. I worked for it and I knew that ultimately and eventually knew it would be the college for me. But you can call that “a lack of choice”.

Ever since I was little (yes, you get to hear my “Ever since I was little” story), I thought I would be majoring in English or English Literature. Nothing else was even an option to me. I loved reading, it was a hobby that I had for a very long time. In third grade, I read over 200 books in one school year. I remember that very well. Even when I came back here, I never stopped reading. Up until these past couple of years. I haven’t stopped reading completely. It just takes me a really long time to finish a book, and so I read much less books than before. I hate that I don’t read like before but I really can’t seem to find time which is basically saying nothing seeing as I find time to watch One Tree Hill and House -_-

My point for this post is to basically just ask the question, can having a dream really make you happy? I’ve been reconsidering my major and college for some time now. I hate to think that I made a mistake because it’s kind of too late to take it back. I also hate the fact that maybe this isn’t what I want to do; maybe it’s not my dream. That thought alone just scares me.

If not this then what else? Why did I think about going to this Business college for the past two years? Why did I think that even if I end up going to KSU, that at least their business department was in English and I wouldn’t have to worry about doing well. In the end, this isn’t what I always dreamed I would be doing or where I would be going and for some reason that scares me. Makes me think that this isn’t what I should be doing.

- And yes I am quoting Disney -_-

Saturday, September 06, 2008

Too little, too late.

Fat horizontal pink-white stripes on top of thin vertical purple stripes interrupted with some grey..

I'm waiting for you to call. To explain. You aren't going to or maybe you are? I can't tell anymore. I never know with you. You've always disappointed me. Yet, I don't know why I still believe in you. Or believe you for that matter. I guess it's one of those things that I can't choose not to do. That sucks.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. That's all I seem to be getting from you. What do I want besides the truth - how about maybe a simple explanation? You seem to have some absurd idea that I'm high maintenance or that I ask for a lot. I'm not and I don't. YOU, on the other hand, sometimes are. It takes so much energy and patience to put up with you. Put up with might sound a bit harsh but at the moment it's the only word I have in mind. However, sometimes it's nought but the truth.

I hate that all I ever did for you has gone by unnoticed. I hate that you don't make me a priority. I hate that you always jokingly accuse me of not caring. I, sometimes, even hate you. It took so much consideration and thought for me to just do this all over again. And I'm sorry to say that I regret it. And I hate regretting things that I've done.

Thank god you know I'm mad at you. And that I might not talk to you anytime soon. Thank god that you are so ashamed of yourself that you can't even call me. I'm not enjoying this, believe me I'm not. I'm just glad that you have finally come around.

Lime green thin stripes on top of all the greyish-purple stripes..

Too little, too late.

Things are different now. So much stuff in my life have changed. It's amazing how you think you're going to come back and find me exactly the same.

I look different. I have long hair. I wear glasses. My style changed. If you were just to sit and compare..

I was even much more different back then. But you never noticed and never asked. I don't know why that didn't tip me off. I guess I never cared, I only seemed to cared about you.

It's sad that I always asked about you and you never asked about me.
It's sad that you left the country and never told me. You left me worried sick and when you found out you laughed. I didn't seem to care about that either. I stuck with you all the way till the end.
It's also sad that you came back and didn't bother to tell me either. I found out by accident. I repeat
by accident. Again I ignored that little detail and just welcomed you home.

But then you disappeared. And when I say disappeared I mean vanished for a while. I just kept telling myself that maybe something happened, maybe you got super busy, maybe you didn't have time etc. Then I just couldn't handle it. I gave myself the green light. I was done. I really did want to end it but you weren't there. So I ended it in my head. I even started to get over it. Yet the minute I took that step forward, you came running along. As if you knew.

It's weird that you aren't a priority anymore. I stopped wondering, caring, even thinking about you. I'm at a loss. I don't know what is going to happen. What I know is that at the moment I can't be with you. Let's try being friends. That might work. At least better than what we have going..

Thin stripes in all shades of pink over thick red and orange stripes..

Wednesday, September 03, 2008

Pieces of Me..

Brown boxes overflowing with books. Miscellaneous objects randomly arranged in colorful boxes.
Everything I own exposed to every last detail. For all to see.
It makes me feel insecure. The fact that everyone can see everything I own. I don't know why.

Boxes on chairs, on the floor, and on tables. Boxes full of books I have to arrange on my bookshelf yet again.
Bags full in the middle of the room. Random clutter which I haven't decided where to put yet.
Shoes all arranged meticulously in my new shoe closet.
All my clothes are color-coded and folded neatly in my new closet as well.

I don't like the curtains. They're a weird shade of beige.
I don't like the wallpaper either, I mean why the hell do people still use wall paper anyway?
It's a light purple, with greyish designs. I hate purple and all shades of purple. It's the most depressing color.

Everything I own is blindingly colorful. Red, orange, pink, yellow, green, and blue. THINK COLOR!
I had to take down all the Post-Its off the walls of my old room which was the saddest thing yet.
I can't put them back up now, not on these walls.

Everything in the room is depressing. The AC isn't as cold and it's louder. The floor is dark wood tiles, its sad. The lighting is so bad, I can barely see. The window is bigger so more sunshine, whop-dee-do -_-

I didn't unpack anything yet because I don't want to think that I moved which I know sounds stupid but I'm happy living in denial.

I want my room back ='(

P.S. Kel 3am o ento b5air o 97a o salama =)