A Blast From The Past

No matter where you go and what you do, you cannot escape the past. It's always going to be there and will come back to mock you when you least expect it.  More importantly, the people in your past are even harder to escape from. With that said, today was yet another day where "F." popped out of my long forgotten past. It seems almost near impossible to keep him in the past, where he belongs. Everywhere I turn, he seems to find a way to get to me. Believe you me that he is anything but doing this on purpose. People who I would have never thought would know him, not only know him but have spent their childhood with him. A friend that I never thought would have even talked to him, not only talks to him but sees him everyday as he's his neighbor! I tried keeping him out of my life altogether, but for some unknown reason he keeps finding a way to slip in... Call it what you want, but I'm thinking fate?

Officially

Today was an emotional roller-coaster for me. From the morning up until now. Oddly, it was just "official" an hour ago, I don't even want to start. I'm sick of discussing it and thinking about it. This has just gone on for too long.

I don't regret what we had - I promise...

It's Over

I can officially say it's over. I can't say that I feel good but at the same time I don't exactly feel bad about it. I don't regret it as much as I thought I did, which is good. I guess...

It was awful though, I wasn't expecting a perfect break-up, if there is such a thing anyway, but I really wasn't expecting his reaction to be like this. Obviously, he isn't supposed to be pleased but he isn't supposed to get all defensive and weird. Seriously, I never saw him like this and believe me that's saying a lot. All that is irrelevant though, I can finally say I'm single and actually mean it.

If I didn't take a step forward and end it when I did then this would have dragged on for much longer and someone was bound to get hurt. By someone, I mean nobody else except me.

I'm grateful for all my friends that were there for me; the ones that knew what was going on, and the ones that didn't. I thank god that I have friends that helped me go through tough decisions and stuff like this.

Last but not least, I just want to say thank you for saying this: "I have nothing to say to you". I don't know which is more sad, that you actually meant it or that after two years this is all you have to say to me...

Really?

When you're too in love to let it go..

For some apparent reason, this is so much more complicated than I ever thought it could be. I had it all planned out and I even had a deadline for myself. Yet it didn't go according to plan AT ALL. It kept getting so ridiculously complicated and it was harder to stick to my decision but I think I did. I mean I don't even know how to explain what happened except that all of a sudden two of my friends are involved for some reason and the concerned party did not even get the message. Call it thick, slow, or whatever you have in mind but that's what it is.

What ever happened to the simple two words? The last I remember, those words were effective. I tried them yet needless to say, the results are not promising. 

Fix You - Coldplay

(You know how you keep playing the same song over and over and over and yet can't seem to get enough of it? Especially since it's perfect for your situation or whatever? Yeah that's me and this song..)

This is a sign..

Something "slight" happened yesterday which made my decision quite clear. I finally figured out what I want despite my reluctance to do what I have to. I hate the feeling. I can't really describe it but I can tell you it feels like your heart is heavy, like you're carrying around a burden..

What hurt the most was when I opened my browser today and on my Yahoo page, smack down in the middle was this article "Advice on Ending Your Relationship for Good". I am a firm believer in signs and this is yet another sign that is CLEARING the path up to my decision.

I have thought about this for the last 6+ months but only recently (the past week and a half) have I seriously considered it. But there it is, and I'm feeling okay about it. I just don't want to do it, I want someone to do it for me.. Please? I will give them cookies, I promise.

One Final Chance or a Series of "Last Chances"?

I have made my decision today. To give you one last chance. While part of me knows I'm making a mistake and that I will regret this eventually but I don't want to give up on you. At least not yet. I'm trying not to be as naive and stupid as last time so as to not get disappointed and/or hurt. I'm trying to trust you but you need to earn my trust because it's already hard for me to do this, again (might I add). For what it's worth, you mean a lot to me and I just can't give up on you that easily. I hate that even when I decided to end the whole thing that I couldn't 't do it. That made me feel weak.

And now that everything is in black and white, I can finally move on with my life..

(Why am I still not okay with how it is?)

Can dreams really make you happy?

A dream is a wish your heart makes..

I hate that I had never had a dream to follow after high school. I knew I wanted to go to college but I never had the whole dream thing. You always hear people saying “Ever since I was little, I knew I wanted to be an engineer (doctor, interior designer, lawyer, etc.)”. And they would complete the story by talking about their college and how they had always dreamed about going and eventually lived up to that dream. Oddly, it makes me jealous to have never had a dream to be able to put it in action or to work for.

Even the college I chose, I didn’t really choose but sort of fell into. I use fell into for lack of a better way to describe the situation. I worked for it and I knew that ultimately and eventually knew it would be the college for me. But you can call that “a lack of choice”.

Ever since I was little (yes, you get to hear my “Ever since I was little” story), I thought I would be majoring in English or English Literature. Nothing else was even an option to me. I loved reading, it was a hobby that I had for a very long time. In third grade, I read over 200 books in one school year. I remember that very well. Even when I came back here, I never stopped reading. Up until these past couple of years. I haven’t stopped reading completely. It just takes me a really long time to finish a book, and so I read much less books than before. I hate that I don’t read like before but I really can’t seem to find time which is basically saying nothing seeing as I find time to watch One Tree Hill and House -_-

My point for this post is to basically just ask the question, can having a dream really make you happy? I’ve been reconsidering my major and college for some time now. I hate to think that I made a mistake because it’s kind of too late to take it back. I also hate the fact that maybe this isn’t what I want to do; maybe it’s not my dream. That thought alone just scares me.

If not this then what else? Why did I think about going to this Business college for the past two years? Why did I think that even if I end up going to KSU, that at least their business department was in English and I wouldn’t have to worry about doing well. In the end, this isn’t what I always dreamed I would be doing or where I would be going and for some reason that scares me. Makes me think that this isn’t what I should be doing.

- And yes I am quoting Disney -_-

Too little, too late.

Fat horizontal pink-white stripes on top of thin vertical purple stripes interrupted with some grey..

I'm waiting for you to call. To explain. You aren't going to or maybe you are? I can't tell anymore. I never know with you. You've always disappointed me. Yet, I don't know why I still believe in you. Or believe you for that matter. I guess it's one of those things that I can't choose not to do. That sucks.

Excuses, excuses, excuses. That's all I seem to be getting from you. What do I want besides the truth - how about maybe a simple explanation? You seem to have some absurd idea that I'm high maintenance or that I ask for a lot. I'm not and I don't. YOU, on the other hand, sometimes are. It takes so much energy and patience to put up with you. Put up with might sound a bit harsh but at the moment it's the only word I have in mind. However, sometimes it's nought but the truth.

I hate that all I ever did for you has gone by unnoticed. I hate that you don't make me a priority. I hate that you always jokingly accuse me of not caring. I, sometimes, even hate you. It took so much consideration and thought for me to just do this all over again. And I'm sorry to say that I regret it. And I hate regretting things that I've done.

Thank god you know I'm mad at you. And that I might not talk to you anytime soon. Thank god that you are so ashamed of yourself that you can't even call me. I'm not enjoying this, believe me I'm not. I'm just glad that you have finally come around.

Lime green thin stripes on top of all the greyish-purple stripes..

Too little, too late.

Things are different now. So much stuff in my life have changed. It's amazing how you think you're going to come back and find me exactly the same.

I look different. I have long hair. I wear glasses. My style changed. If you were just to sit and compare..

I was even much more different back then. But you never noticed and never asked. I don't know why that didn't tip me off. I guess I never cared, I only seemed to cared about you.

It's sad that I always asked about you and you never asked about me.
It's sad that you left the country and never told me. You left me worried sick and when you found out you laughed. I didn't seem to care about that either. I stuck with you all the way till the end.
It's also sad that you came back and didn't bother to tell me either. I found out by accident. I repeat by accident. Again I ignored that little detail and just welcomed you home.

But then you disappeared. And when I say disappeared I mean vanished for a while. I just kept telling myself that maybe something happened, maybe you got super busy, maybe you didn't have time etc. Then I just couldn't handle it. I gave myself the green light. I was done. I really did want to end it but you weren't there. So I ended it in my head. I even started to get over it. Yet the minute I took that step forward, you came running along. As if you knew.

It's weird that you aren't a priority anymore. I stopped wondering, caring, even thinking about you. I'm at a loss. I don't know what is going to happen. What I know is that at the moment I can't be with you. Let's try being friends. That might work. At least better than what we have going..

Thin stripes in all shades of pink over thick red and orange stripes..

Pieces of Me..

Brown boxes overflowing with books. Miscellaneous objects randomly arranged in colorful boxes.
Everything I own exposed to every last detail. For all to see.
It makes me feel insecure. The fact that everyone can see everything I own. I don't know why.

Boxes on chairs, on the floor, and on tables. Boxes full of books I have to arrange on my bookshelf yet again.
Bags full in the middle of the room. Random clutter which I haven't decided where to put yet.
Shoes all arranged meticulously in my new shoe closet.
All my clothes are color-coded and folded neatly in my new closet as well.

I don't like the curtains. They're a weird shade of beige.
I don't like the wallpaper either, I mean why the hell do people still use wall paper anyway?
It's a light purple, with greyish designs. I hate purple and all shades of purple. It's the most depressing color.

Everything I own is blindingly colorful. Red, orange, pink, yellow, green, and blue. THINK COLOR!
I had to take down all the Post-Its off the walls of my old room which was the saddest thing yet.
I can't put them back up now, not on these walls.

Everything in the room is depressing. The AC isn't as cold and it's louder. The floor is dark wood tiles, its sad. The lighting is so bad, I can barely see. The window is bigger so more sunshine, whop-dee-do -_-

I didn't unpack anything yet because I don't want to think that I moved which I know sounds stupid but I'm happy living in denial.

I want my room back ='(

P.S. Kel 3am o ento b5air o 97a o salama =)

One Of Those Days

It's just one of those days where you wake up bright and early. Surprisingly, you smile to yourself because you're secretly saying "Yes, it's today. The day I've been waiting for".
A day in which you enjoy every sip of your coffee and purposely smile to whoever you see, after all it is your day.
Then not a second later, you get some news. You keep your smile frozen on your face and think "It's okay. I won't let this ruin my day".
You're still nervous and shaken from the news but nevertheless you don't let it stop you. You desperately try to keep the smile on and go about your day.
Then with no introductions or precautions, a person from your long forgotten past creeps into your life suddenly.
On your day.
The smile is immediately wiped off your face as you try to think straight. Your mind and heart fight on whether to welcome the person.
A person whom you’ve tried so desperately tried to forget and get over.
A person who hurt you so much that just the memory of them hurts.
A person whom you've loved and cared for so much..
Your heart is telling you yes while your mind tells you to get away.
Your head starts hurting from all the contradiction and memories.
Without noticing it, there are tears on your face.
Needless to say, you welcome them back with open arms.
It still hurts, but what to do?
After all, the heart wants what the heart wants.